New Brunswick — Marijuana edibles will be legal in Canada this October, and the Crown corporation Cannabis NB can hardly wait to royally screw the pooch on that front, as with regular cannabis sales.
“I must admit, I’m excited!” enthused Premier Blaine Higgs. “Failing at selling weed wasn’t easy, but we did it, and in record time, I might add. Now, with edibles — which I’ve been told are just like my ‘multivitamins for men over 50’ in taste and texture — we can botch a new corner of the marijuana market. It’s something to look forward to.”
Rather than try to improve the business model and recoup their millions of dollars in losses, the New Brunswick government is planning to just wait it out and totally eff up the sales of edibles, which most people just order online for efficiency and price.
“Cannabis NB is kind of like the Titanic at this point,” said Finance Minister Ernie Steeves. “We’ve hit the iceberg, we already know we’re going down, so we might as well just enjoy the view and the music and have a few drinks. Or in this case, tokes. Should we even bother with edibles, from a business perspective? Hell no! But we’re going to. You betcha.”
There’s been talk of privatization, a move many residents say could save weed sales in New Brunswick, making it more economically feasible, less wasteful, and a smoother experience for the customer.
Steeves said other options besides privatization include hiring Matt from apartment 6b to run the show — providing Matt decides to finally answer texts on the matter — or scaling down and shutting the stores that aren’t making money…which are all of them.
“Regardless of what we do, we know that for sure we’re going to try our hand at selling edibles, even though we have done no research on them or what makes people buy them, and have no plan to make the process of purchasing marijuana more positive from the consumer’s standpoint,” Steeves explained.
“We refuse to take advice, so please, just stop telling us what to do. We’ll figure it out on our own — we’re the government, after all!”