New Brunswick — With a very early spring expected in the province, Environment Canada is notifying New Brunswickers to prepare for what could be the worst spring flower epidemic in 80 years.
“With wet, temperate conditions expected over the next couple of months, we could very easily see the spread of these beautiful, but largely poisonous and incredibly violent plants proliferating on a scale no one in our lifetime has had the experience to deal with,” said environmental scientist Kyle Wessex. “If proper precautions aren’t taken we could see spring flower-related casualties in the hundreds, if not thousands.”
Wessex said the dangers the flora pose are predominately centered around their normally gentle nature and people’s inability to predict their savage behaviour.
“The tulip, for example could pose a number of threats,” said Wessex. “Although it’s considered a harmless plant many people grow on their front lawns, that’s only because the deadly reproductive organ is rarely given the chance to reach full maturity.
“With moderate temperatures expected much earlier than usual and going on for weeks, we could see many tulips reaching full development, after which they will foster the ability to spit flesh-liquefying hydrochloric acid at any person who comes within 5 metres of them.”
According to Wessex, daffodils are also of major concern. “After 8 weeks in temperatures not going below 0 or exceeding 18 degrees,” he said, lighting a cigarette and looking grave, “they’re going to start sprouting. And by that I mean their roots are going to go ‘flesh finding.’ What you’re going to see are corpses sucked dry in their beds from these murderous flowers whose stems can make their way through any ventilation system.”
As of press time, Manatee staff, in addition to a custodian whose language has yet to be determined, are fending off a giant primrose with a mop and some one else’s jacket.