Facebook friends only subconsciously want to murder man touting Runkeeper stats

Facebook friends only subconsciously want to murder man touting Runkeeper stats

Fredericton — Friends of local runner Mike Mitchell say their confidence and well-being gets a daily shot in the arm thanks to the athlete’s never-ending Runkeeper updates on social media. And despite that fact that Mitchell regularly logs his runs on the app, which then automatically shares the details of his workout to his personal Facebook page, these friends do not openly wish any harm upon the overly ambitious jogger.

“What can I say, the guy inspires me!” said Dariah Versloot, who claims the updates in no way fill her with unspeakable murderous rage the likes of which she’s never known. “When it’s Sunday morning and I log into Facebook after a night of beers and poutine and passing out on the couch fully clothed, it’s nice to see that he’s been up at the crack of dawn, beating his own personal best run times. It just makes me feel like I, too, could do anything.

“Not for second have I considered dragging myself out of bed and mowing down this self-obsessed Spandex-clad goody-goody with my car.”

Another Facebook connection said Mitchell had been training for the Fredericton Marathon that took place Sunday, so the updates had started to become more and more frequent.

“It was great, it seemed like every time I scrolled through my feed I’d see another post about Mike’s run — I usually comment something like, ‘Go Mike! You’re truly an inspiration!’ so he doesn’t ever stop letting people know his distance, time, and calories burned,” said Brian Harrison, who would have no reason to go to Mitchell’s home, break down the door, tie him up, gag him, and tape his eyes open with Duct Tape.

“I’m not a runner myself and I’m not even really friends with Mike — I only met him once, for like a minute — but it’s still very cool to get this little glimpse into his personal life.”

Other friends say looking at Mike’s updates have become like an addictive routine.

“Every morning I read CBC news, check the weather, and ever since I noticed Mike posting about how good he is at running, I can’t stop refreshing my Facebook page either,” said Ellen Illies, a woman who has never killed another person in the past and probably won’t start by beating Mitchell to death with a knotted rope.

“It’s like a compulsion. One time I even set my alarm to wake up a bit earlier in case Mike had shared his Runkeeper info early. Based on his posts he usually goes out at 7:43 a.m. or so, and makes it home by 8:37. But that’s been known to vary by as much as 10 minutes and I want to see it the second it’s available.”

“I just like the fact that you can see the little map of where he went,” said Mitchell’s Facebook friend Jeremy Allen, who was not at all thinking of using this GPS technology to track down the jabbering health nut, throw him in the back of a pickup, strap heavy rocks to his body and dump him in Grand Lake. “Sometimes he cuts through Odell Park and goes uptown, and back down the Hanwell, out on the Woodstock Road. Other times though, he goes a completely different way. It always leaves me in suspense.”

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