New Brunswick — With well over a million global cases and nearly 65,000 deaths, the COVID-19 pandemic shows no signs of slowing down, and has forced people to radically alter their day-to-day lives in order to attempt and flatten the curve of the spread. For the most part, people everywhere have been aiding the cause by self-quarantining, self-isolating, and staying home as much as possible.
Canada has not yet been hit as hard as some other countries, but as is the case in seemingly every country, some people seem insistent on breaking protocol. From New River Beach, to Fundy, to the sidewalks of downtown Fredericton, ne’er-do-wells and miscreants continue to gather in large flocks, seemingly in defiance of the regulations put in place to save lives and stop the spread.
“I was getting cabin fever staying at home,” Fredericton man Doug Markell told The Manatee via video chat. “I just needed to get out and stretch my legs, you know?”
Well, Doug, we do know what it’s like to get cabin fever, but you know what? Cabin fever is a lot better than the fever caused by coronavirus, so flock off, flock you, and go the flock home.
Cluster-flocks of idiots have been spotted at various beaches around the province, too, which raises the question: had you ever gone to an Atlantic Canadian beach in late March or early April before the pandemic? No? Of course not — you would have to be an absolute flocking idiot to do that, yet here you are.
Well, then, what about your dear old mum, who, for the last 25 years has been meeting with her girlfriends every Tuesday night for their Tea & Knitting Club? Surely that can’t be a bad thing; their small club must be different. Well, surprise, motherflockers, you’re part of the problem, too. Even worse, perhaps, because you’re all definitely old enough to know better. So: Janette, Debbie, Carol, Heather — keep your flocking arses at home, you are part of the problem.
Easter is just around the corner, and some devout Christians insist on attending a Sunday service in honour of their Lord’s resurrection.
“I’ve never missed an Easter mass,” said Allen Price, 58, “and I don’t plan on doing that this year.”
Here at The Manatee, we don’t discriminate against anyone’s religion or beliefs; in fact, freedom of expression is a cornerstone of our organization. However, we do discriminate against morons, and if you think that congregating in church this year is still somehow a good idea, then you are just that. So, Allen, holy flock, for God’s sake, stay the flock home.
To everyone else who is abiding by the rules, and to our nurses, doctors, respiratory therapists, and various health-care workers, to our firefighters, police officers, and other essential service workers, truly and sincerely, from the bottom of our hearts: thank you.
To everyone else still flocking around outside: go flock yourselves (in the safety of your own homes, please).