Floodwatch 2015: Fredericton to become next Atlantis

Fredericton — Spring has finally sprung, and Fredericton residents are preparing to transition into bubble-home domes as this year’s flood predictions show the capital city completely submerged in the coming weeks. Day by day the St. John River steadily rises, the ominous gurgle of the tides of darkness impossible to ignore. Rather than attempt to fight the forces of nature, the indomitable city has decided to embrace its fate.

“Frederictonians are resolute and we adapt to change. By the power of Neptune, I will lead us to a glorious new age as King of Fredericton,” announced King Woodside, brandishing Poseidon’s trident with unmatched vigour.

Not all are happy about their new watery abode, however. “Can’t you see? This is a sign! Our hubris has gotten the best of us. Fredericton is being punished by the gods!” screamed local fanatic Brett Gilbert from atop a cardboard box outside City hall. “Gone are the days of believing we have the best bands performing at the best bars with the best local beers. None of that is doable under water! We aren’t special!”

But just like Gilbert’s cardboard box, Fredericton has no defence against the icy clutches of the rising depths. Luckily Dr. Jane Kent, a science professor at the University of New Brunswick, says that the unique molecular structure of Fredericton air will allow its residents to evolve gills within mere weeks of being submerged.

“What we’re seeing is an exciting opportunity to explore human evolution in life-or-death situations. In Fredericton, the combination of fresh air from Odell Park and secondhand smoke’s toxins have created a type of haze that promotes adaptability. Our struggling lungs will force our bodies to grow gills,” explained Kent excitedly.

Many residents plan on living life like nothing has changed. “I’ll just swim to work instead of walking. I expect the government will need me filing reports at 8:30 a.m., flood or not,” said an unperturbed Jordan McAllister, civil servant  of 34 years.

Local entrepreneur Wade Demerchant thinks that the change will propel Fredericton’s businesses to new heights, or rather, depths. “We have this opportunity for entrepreneurs to come together in a startup capital, and in doing so, to create a flow of business centred around aquatic-based economic startups. Venture capitalists will look at us and say ‘This is a place we need to be.’ We have grants, loans, blurb–” prattled Demerchant, until the rising water levels mercifully silenced his tirade.

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