Fredericton — The Fredericton police department, as part of its request to purchase a new light-armoured vehicle, is also asking city council for funds to add a new member to the force — and there’s a candidate in mind already.
“As part of our drive to acquire an armoured vehicle, we’ve also realized we need the right individual to drive it,” says Chief Leanne Fitch. “As a result, we’re asking city council to provide us with the funds to hire the Lord Humungus [from Mad Max 2] as the full-time driver of this vehicle.”
Fitch went on to cite Humungus’s impressive resumé, including years of driving home-brewed “war wagons,” and well-known feats of vehicle-to-vehicle combat.
“We’re talking about a guy who wasn’t afraid to take on an invincible, early-in-his-career Mel Gibson, before everyone hated him for his racist views,” Fitch said. “That’s the sort of fearless approach we want in law enforcement.”
Fitch did say there would be obstacles to overcome, even if city council permitted the hiring. The city’s police union is said to be objecting to the pay offered Humungus, as his rumoured compensation package is said to pay him more than any other member of the force.
But there’s a reason for that, says Fitch: “You just can’t get the Warrior of the Wasteland to drop everything and come to Fredericton unless the pay is competitive. Besides, he has to buy an all-new wardrobe; while the hockey mask will definitely build rapport with Canadians, the skimpy leather outfit will have to be supplemented with some clothes better-suited to our weather.”
When asked what exactly the city’s police force needed an armoured car for, Fitch shrugged, saying, “You know… stuff. It’s totally not because we’re envious of the military police down in Oromocto. Not at all. And barely any of our officers faced criminal charges this year, so it’s not like the public has anything to fear from us getting our hands on paramilitary equipment, like in some post-apocalyptic movie.”