Saint John — After decades of trying to make a bilingual New Brunswick work, every English- and French-speaking resident has finally said, “Screw it,” and earlier this year moved to Prince Edward Island and Quebec, respectively. Left behind were only the Irvings, who were reportedly quite pleased with the turn of events.
When asked why he left, Gordon Boudreau, a 6th-generation New Brunswicker who now lives happily in Baie-Saint-Paul, Que., said, “All of a sudden we just stopped arguing about language, looked at each other and said, ‘This isn’t worth it… the province isn’t THAT beautiful,’ and then we all started packing our bags. It was kind of nice, really.”
In what all the Irvings praised as a “stellar piece of journalism” published in the Irving Post (formerly The Daily Gleaner), Edward Irving asked Jim Irving how New Brunswick has evolved in the months since the mass exodus.
“Not much has changed really,” he responded, “but it sure is nice not having to pretend to listen to the government anymore.”
In a televised segment for Irving News, Arthur Irving said, “You know, I didn’t realize how peaceful it has been until now, with all the ‘activists’ gone. I haven’t gotten any hate mail in months!” After pausing, he added, “And I never have to wait more than 5 minutes at a Tim Hortons. I mean, 5 minutes is still quite a while, but c’mon, it’s Tims, and you can’t have it all!”
As the months passed, procreating with one bloodline was surprisingly a non-issue, as the family was excited to inhabit the province with purebred Irvings, instead of dealing with the nuisance of keeping track of all the “Irvings-by-marriage” and “part-Irvings.”
“We considered bringing in some outsiders to do the deed, but then we thought: ‘Why risk losing some of the genes and traits that make Irvings great?’ After all, it was our freakishly small frontal lobes that allowed us to completely ignore future consequences and get us to this place to begin with.”
Yesterday, after weeks of 24/7 work, a ceremony was held for the felling of the last tree in the province. “It was truly beautiful,” said young Fiona Irving, “although we couldn’t really see much because of the smog…”