Fredericton — The former city of Fredericton has accomplished in just one short week what Quebec separatists have been attempting to do for more than 50 years: successfully seceding from the continent entirely to become a European enclave state within the province of New Brunswick.
Thanks to its two prominent universities, the former city of Fredericton has been full of over-educated vagabonds and bohemian ne’er-do-wells living what they consider to be a European lifestyle for more than 200 years.
“I’ve always found that Fredericton was more European than Canadian because of our vibrant culturrrre,” local avant-garde artist Lisa Cummings said, rolling her r’s, while she sat in Café Loka with with her beatnik entourage. “We like to think for ourselves.”
“Yeahhhh,” the others agreed lethargically.
This change has led to a complete reorganization of government in New Brunswick, as the former city had been the capital of the province prior to the secession. Last Friday, Premier Brian Gallant was moved to the province’s new capital, Moncton, and MLA David Coon was promoted to Prime Minister of Fredericton.
“I’m très honoured to be taking this position,” said Prime Minister Coon at his inauguration in an affected English accent, while he held a cigarette limply in front of his pursed, pouty lips. “And I’m very excited to be ushering Fredericton into a new era as a thriving, European nation.”
Logistically, much work will need to be done in terms of the basic geography. Travelling within the province is expected to be problematic, since the European country of Fredericton remains in its centre. Also, the Coon government is already making moves to adopt European heath and employment benefits, which has prompted many people from surrounding cities such as Saint John and Miramichi to try to illegally immigrate to the country.
“We simply must to put up a border between our country and the rest of the province,” said Coon, sipping a vintage red wine and shooting a black-and-white arthouse film in his office. “We cannot simply give away our benefits to some, how-you-say, foreigners — c’est l’absurd!”
These plans, as well as some disparaging comments from the Fredericton government, have led to unrest between the country of Fredericton and the province of New Brunswick. In a press conference this morning, Premier Brian Gallant responded to the fact that Coon is on-record having called him a “putain de merde.”
“Oh, yeah — a poutine of shit, eh?!?” Gallant said, before standing awkwardly at the podium for about two minutes. “… Well, screw him, then!”
The diplomatic situation between the Fredericton and New Brunswick governments remains shaky. The premier and the prime minister are expected to meet next Thursday to discuss a peaceful way to move forward cooperatively. On the subject of this meeting, Coon said the following:
“Well, as a European, I detest violence, but I am prepared to stand up for our country’s place in this province — and if that means war, c’est la vie!”
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