Fredericton teen sentenced on b.s. fraud charge

Fredericton — Local teen Brandon Ellis, 16, appeared before New Brunswick Youth Court Judge James Matheson Monday to receive sentencing for his conviction in the creation of a fraudulent fee for fellow students at Leo Hayes High School whom he considered to be “total bullshit.”

Last week, the court heard the Crown’s evidence relating to the case, which dated back to the beginning of the school year. “It all came down to the lack of appropriate documentation and approval, by the student union and the school board, to enact such a levy,” said Crown Prosecutor Anne Douglas.

bullshitThe 6’4″ senior sat in the courtroom barely concealing his furious rage at being made to listen to 12 victim impact statements by fellow students on whom he levied the B.S. Tax most heavily. During the trial it was revealed that Ellis considered these students “nerdos” — the worst offenders at being both “nerds” and “weirdos.” Over the course of the first semester and into the second, Ellis would shake down the small, weak intellectuals and geeks for their lunch money.

It was revealed during the trial that the offenses were all captured on the school’s close digital security system, which monitors and stores all school activity on a monthly basis. Leo Hayes staff themselves had witnessed the repeated, unprovoked harassment, but believed Ellis, a nominal member of the journalism club, was engaging his fellow classmates in “street”-style interviews. When asked on the stand how he could mistake a switchblade for a digital voice recorder in HD quality video, school vice-principal Doug Montague admitted that staff, “really couldn’t pay all that much attention to thousands of students’ social activities every single day. It’s just not that interesting.”

Twleve students paid the B.S. Tax to Ellis, and 11 of them read their statements before the court yesterday, as if in a Stockholm Syndrome-style trance. Inevitably, the 11 victims each caught the eye of the convicted fraudster during their report to the judge. And each victim in turn received the “I see you” 2-finger hand gesture from Ellis. Upon seeing this, all 11 qualified their statements with admissions that they deserved to pay the tax, since they were, in fact, mere skid marks on the tightie-whities of society.

The 12th and final statement of the day came from 15-year-old Sam Allen. Finishing his address, he shook off the shakedown artist’s stare and asked the judge whether he would be out of place in suggesting a suitable punishment for the fraud-conjuring mastermind. Judge Matheson noted the highly unusual nature of the request, but allowed the young man to speak his mind.

“I propose that Brandon pay back all victims of his crime,” said Allen, “and be forced to pay an additional — excuse my language, sir — 20 percent ‘asshole tax’ to each victim for the physical and emotional terrorism he perpetrated on us.”

Judge Matheson agreed with the maturity and fairness of the request, adding, “No doubt this case will set an important precedent — one that sees higher taxation in general for those individuals, male or female, who go through life acting like remorseless pricks.”