Frederictonians call mayor’s omnipotence into question after he fails to fix all their personal, professional problems

Frederictonians call mayor’s omnipotence into question after he fails to fix all their personal, professional problems

Fredericton — Mayor Mike O’Brien has a lot on his plate, but it seems most Fredericton residents think it’s not enough, and all of them are confused about what exactly it is a mayor is supposed to do.

Many of us have complained about things that obviously do not fall under the jurisdiction of a municipal politician.

“Mr. O’Brien, I moved outside of city limits, and now the bus doesn’t come to my house!” griped angered Gagetown resident Shelly Mosseler in a personal Facebook message to the mayor. “I want to know, what are YOU going to do about it?! How am I supposed to get to work downtown? Why didn’t you warn me about this?!”

O’Brien said he receives dozens such nonsensical messages daily, as well as phone calls, emails and letters from people who want him to do more for them.

“What the hell do these people expect of me?” he asked our reporter. “I’m doing my best, and I think I’m actually doing a better job than certain previous mayors, who shall remain nameless. But it’s never enough. I had a guy call me on goddamned Christmas morning, when I was just trying to enjoy the company of my family, whining about the fact that he’s applied for jobs around town, and still hasn’t landed one. I suggested he get in contact with the provincial Labour minister or consider seeking out professional help with his resumé, but he hung up on me.”

Frederictonian Marsha Higgins said she started to wonder whether the mayor was all he’s cracked up to be when she heard talk of the FREX potentially being moved from its current location.

“No, I don’t actually go to the FREX — who goes to that thing? Way too expensive for what you get,” she said. “But it’s the principle of the matter. Everything should just stay the same all the time. What if I do decide to attend this year, and it’s no longer within walking distance from my house? Has Mayor Mike considered my needs at all?

“I’m starting to think all my prayers to him are going to go unanswered.”

Local man Andrew Vesser exited his car on Queen Street to do some last-minute Christmas shopping last week, only to lose his footing and fall on the ice.

“This kind of thing never happened to me when Woodside was mayor,” complained Vesser, who promptly crafted a whiny public Facebook status about his ordeal, tagging Mayor O’Brien, demanding to know what would be done for him. “Coincidence? I think not.”

All Vesser’s petulant little friends chimed in on the status, complaining about an array of issues that cannot possibly fall to O’Brien, such as the rising cost of beer, the fact that their Christmas vacation didn’t “feel long enough,” that they have sick relatives in the hospital who sure could use the healing touch of a mayor, that their eggnog went bad before the expiry date, that the Westmorland Street Bridge is congested during rush-hour, and on and on.

Former mayor Brad Woodside claims he never had this problem.

“No one expected much out of me,” he said via Skype from a resort in Cuba. “It was nice. Remember the last campaign? I just had my name printed on some billboards. No image, no catchy slogan…just my name and the year. For once, that wasn’t enough for Frederictonians…I guess they saw something godlike in O’Brien. But needless to say, my life is much better as a regular guy, a non-mayor.”

O’Brien says he likely won’t run for mayor again, as Frederictonians are just too friggen’ annoying.

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