Moncton — This past weekend the Hub City was celebrating its 18th annual literary festival named for Northrop Frye, the Fête Frye Festival, when an unexpected guest showed up at the Moncton Public Library.
A Manatee reporter caught up with Vanessa VanAardvark, or “VanVan” according to her new brand, after the festival as she was preparing to head to the airport. After assuring her that The Manatee was in no way affiliated with any political party, she agreed to an interview.
“I wouldn’t want to hurt my new brand, you understand. Hashtag VanVan. My former assistant was seriously fired as soon as I realized I wasn’t in the Bahamas. Hashtag you’re done. I may have misspelled it, but obvs I meant the F-Y-R-E Festival, not the F-R-Y-E Festival.”
VanVan digressed to say that she’s building her lifestyle brand as an example for other young women who want to be successful, smart, independent entrepreneurs. “It is a subscriber service. Thanks of course to my dad who’s helping with startup capital. Hashtag daddy’s girl.
“Anyway, you can just imagine how shocked I was, wearing my custom-knit bikini with matching silk wrap, when I got off the plane. Like, literally, the airport security said I went into shock. Hashtag cold AF. When I recovered, the taxi took me to this little mall in a place called Dippy, like right out of the 1990s. Hashtag quaint. Hashtag not the exposure I was looking for.”
J.P. Boucher, the taxi driver, offered his comment. “She was dressed pretty skimpy, but lucky I keep an old blanket in the trunk. You know, for flats and stuff. Mostly I couldn’t understand what she was saying because she kept saying ‘hashtag.’ She wanted to know if she would need to catch a boat to the festival.”
After buying some cold-weather clothes, VanAardvark hailed another taxi to take her to the festival.
“I was so confused when I walked into the library. Like, do people even do books anymore? It was only when I asked which bands were playing that I found out I was at the wrong festival. But I heard the other one didn’t have any bands either, so there’s that,” she mused.
“I couldn’t believe it when they told me where I was. Like, not even Toronto or Vancouver — not even the real Canada. Hashtag wilderness. This place even has a river that runs both ways, like Narnia FFS.”
An unnamed Frye Festival volunteer witnessed the ordeal. “Even after we realized she wasn’t a danger to the other festival-goers or patrons of the library, we were quite concerned about her. She would say things like ‘now pretend you’re famous’ while taking selfies with people. She seemed quite concerned about food, too, and kept asking where she could get ‘domestic oranges.'”
VanVan claims the only reason she remained in Moncton the entire two days was to continue building her brand. “But like, the situation here was so desperate! I… I even had to eat carbs. This poor third-world country hasn’t even heard of avocado toast.”
We asked her where she would be heading next.
“I just love Sydney this time of year, so I’m headed there. Hashtag downunda,” she said with a smile and a hair-flip. “I was surprised by how short the flight is, but it must be the International Date Line or something. My new assistant booked it.”