New Brunswick — The wait is over! Lobster fishing season officially opens today after being pushed back due to poor weather last week, and New Brunswick lobsters couldn’t be happier.
“Man, it’s been a long winter cooped up inside that tank,” cheered Larry the Lobster, who has been living in a seafood department in a Sobeys store for the past several months. “The worst thing is, I don’t even know how to drive a tank, haha. Sorry, that’s just a little lobster humour — some of my friends turn red when I tell them that joke.”
Larry told The Manatee he was really bummed when the opening of the season was delayed last week and he and his lobster friends couldn’t wait to ditch their responsibilities to hit their favourite fishing spots this morning.
“Yep, the wife will have to look after herself and the 847 little ones while I’m out catchin’ up with the boys,” he continued. “Booze, bass and bliss — that’s what’s in store for us over the next few weeks.”
Larry said he has no intention of actually eating any of the fish he and his friends catch; they’re mainly aiming to bond and get away from their families.
“There’s a big misconception about lobsters in love,” he explained further. “And it all comes from that stupid episode of Friends where Phoebe says that Rachel and Ross are lobsters and she goes on about how lobsters mate for life. She isn’t wrong, but she makes it sound all romantic and shit, and well, it isn’t. Sure, we mate for life, but it’s miserable — I’d love to be able to get a new piece of tail. Get it? Tail, haha.”
Larry was hardly the only lobster excited to hit the open waters and shed his worries and stress; dozens of other clawed crustaceans were scattered along the banks of the St. John River today with Alpine bottles and Tim Hortons coffee cups in tow.
“Ah, this is the life,” sighed another lobster, who also goes by the name Larry. “Chillin’ with my friends, no kids, no wives, just us and the water. This beats being boiled alive, dipped in butter and eaten — that’s for darn sure.”