New Brunswick — New Brunswick’s suave premier is turning heads again, and this time it’s not just by way of his good looks. Gallant has created an estimated 10,000 jobs overnight using simple semantics; it was announced today that the Liberal government has added “professionally unemployed” to the province’s official list of job titles, reducing the provincial unemployment rate by an amazing 7 percent.
“It makes total sense,” explained Labour Minister Donald Arseneault. “It’s a lot of work to stay unemployed and still be able to afford to live, and we thought it was right to acknowledge that kind of dedication.”
Arseneault went on to say that the government will not be handing out this official job title to just anyone who is unemployed in New Brunswick — there is a clear set of guidelines to be met. Applicants must have been successfully unemployed for at least 5 years out of the previous 10, and must have held at least 4 different jobs in that time span, working enough hours each time to be able to collect employment insurance benefits.
“It was surprising how many New Brunswickers met the requirements right away,” said Arsenault. “It became very obvious that we’ve got a special breed of people here in our great province — people who are willing to work hard for the opportunity to not work.”
Cameron J. Hooper of Riverview said he’s always put his best efforts forth at staying unemployed. “It’s real hard work, dude,” he said while filling out his most recent E.I. report. “I just find myself getting comfortable in a new job and then it’s time for me to get figure out how I can get fired while still remaining eligible for pogey. Once I get everything straightened out, I get a sweet vacation, which helps me unwind from all of that work.”
Hooper said the hardest part is when his benefits run out and he has to start looking for work again. “That’s a really depressing time for me,” he explained. “I have to first get myself motivated to work and then try and convince someone to hire me. I usually get to the interview process and it all goes downhill when they ask me about my previous jobs — they all want to know why I keep going from job to job, and when I explain what I do they just think I’m lazy or something.”
Gallant stated that this change will have no impact on the provincial cost of E.I. benefits and that those working the newly labelled jobs will still be eligible to collect E.I. even though they technically have an official job now.
“Well, if we took the benefits away from them, they wouldn’t be able to keep doing what they’re doing and wouldn’t meet the outlined criteria,” the premier explained. “So, it’s mainly for show. This way our unemployment rate looks awesome and I can use that to get re-elected — it’ll be nice to have something to build my campaign around other than my great smile.”