Section of Miramichi’s King George Highway to close, become full-time Tim Hortons drive-thru lane

Miramichi — Some big changes are coming for drivers of Miramichi’s King George Highway in 2015. The Northern New Brunswick city plans to reserve a section of the highway exclusively for Tim Hortons drive-thru customers. The section in question is the patch of highway stretching from Edward Street all the way to Jane Street in Miramichi West, formerly known as Newcastle.

There are several reasons behind this impending decision. Crippling caffeine and biscuit addictions will often cause this particular drive-thru lane to spill out onto Edward Street, then wrap around and continue onto the King George Highway, the city’s main artery for most traffic. In order to avoid angering most of the city’s populous with never-ending drive-thru wait times, city council has decided to close this section to through traffic, therefore improving wait times and customer service, not to mention Tim Hortons’ bottom line.

Miramichi Mayor Gerry Cormier issued a press release stating the following:

“Beginning in March 2015, drivers who are on the King George Highway without any Tim Hortons-related tasks and approaching from the North will have to divert right onto Jane Street, drive about 2 miles until they see Station Street, hang a left, and then take another quick left (if you miss this left you will end up in the woods next to the tracks). This left is pretty steep so watch out and be careful if the roads are bad that day. Drive another 1.5 miles down Radio Street until you hit Petrie Street and take another left. Before you can even think about it turn right onto Frances Street. Once you hit Blanche Street take another right. If you don’t take this right, your car will end up inside someone’s living-room. Drive one more block and hang yet another left back onto Radio Street, give a quick wave to Miramichi Civic Centre’s security guard Bob Palmer out on his smoke break, then continue straight through the lights down School Street and hang one last right by Kentucky Fried Chicken. If approaching from the South, simply park and abandon your car in the ‘used car’ lot next to the car wash and continue your journey on foot. If you follow these simple instructions, you’ve successfully avoided the Tim Horton’s drive-thru lane. If not, and you suddenly find yourself accidentally trapped inside the lane, do not panic and remain calm. A new bylaw will require you to purchase at least 2 items from the Tim Hortons menu or pay a small fine of $2.85.”

Proud Tim Hortons customers were quick to share their terrible drive-thru experiences with The Manatee’s news staff. “Back in, oh, ’94 or ’95, me and the old lady waited in that Jesus drive-thru lane so long the truck ran out of gas, so we had to abandon it and run over to Scholten’s for a can of gas. When I got to Scholten’s I realized I forgot my wallet in the car. When I walked back to Tims the truck was gone. I guess I was so worked up I forgot to set the parking brake and the truck rolled down Edward Street and ended up in the ditch next to Fundy Cable,” explained Byron Matchett of Newcastle on his coffee break early Monday. Matchett later went on to share how excited he is to hear about these upcoming changes to the King George Highway.

Miramichi’s city council said that this plan has been in the works for a long time.

“We believe these upcoming changes were inevitable and needed to be done for the greater good of most Miramichiers,” explained Coun. Brian McCormack.

In other food-related news in Miramichi, seasonal take-out restaurant Estey’s Fish and Chips is apparently developing a device to simply catapult your order from its Newcastle Boulevard location directly into the mouths of Miramichiers, thus saving customers the trouble of driving down to pick up their food in person.