Fredericton — In a move pulled straight from the pages of Oprah Winfrey’s show, Premier Brian Gallant bedazzled the audience at last night’s State of the Province address by giving free gifts for all who attended.
The tense atmosphere of impatient attendees waiting to hear “just how bad it really is” quickly dissipated as they were handed incredibly generous presents, such as a free yearlong membership at their city’s YMCA, a red spandex shirt with the Liberal logo on the chest, a fine bottle of oak-aged whiskey and more.
“I don’t want to talk about the state of the province, because you know that already,” began Gallant at the beginning of the event.
“Instead, I want you all to experience … ‘Brian’s Favourite Things!'” he shouted in a jolly sing-song voice, while red streamers and balloons erupted from behind the podium as he slowly raised his arms in a grand display of showmanship.
The gathered reporters and politicians began squealing in delight, with one unnamed journalist from The Daily Gleaner full-out bawling with excitement.
“This is — this is too much!” screamed former premier of New Brunswick David Alward, while hugging his life-sized cardboard cutout of Gallant and desperately clawing for another Tim Hortons gift card from the giant tub of Tims paraphernalia in the middle of the crowd.
Soon all doubts about Our Glorious Leader were forgotten, as the audience realized they will be in excellent, masterful and surprisingly soft hands for the rest of Gallant’s term.
“Four more years! Four more years!” feverishly chanted the crowd, pulling on their red Snuggies from the famous TV infomercial.
Will “Brian’s Favourite Things!” be a reoccurrence at future addresses?
“Book your tickets early and find out,” winked Gallant, flashing a gleaming grin of hope and sincerity.