St. Andrews — Representatives from the Department of Natural Resources met with Mayor Stan Choptiany and a handful of reporters in a heavily guarded underground shelter Tuesday evening to discuss the seaside town’s worsening deer population.
According to the mayor, the deer are thwarting St. Andrews residents’ best efforts at keeping them out of their yards and homes. And it’s not just homeowners being plagued by the ravenous quadrupeds — tourist locations such as Kingsbrae Garden are overrun with deer, and with tourism being the town’s main money-maker, the time has come to take action.
“The deer have, at this point, adapted well beyond our limited hunting seasons and have been able to jump even the highest electric and barb-wired fences, devouring everything in their paths,” Choptiany said, huddled around the shelter’s table, prying open a packet of rations. “The scariest thing is, most of them are sick of the few remaining leaves and grass and are becoming carnivorous. Our children and pets are not safe.”
“The only solution I can see is to bear arms,” he explained to the camouflage-sporting Natural Resources employees. “We’ve tried peaceful tactics, but now it’s time to call upon every St. Andrews citizen — hunters or otherwise — to kill the deer in any way possible, and preferably in a brutal and gruesome manner to really teach them a lesson. Every single citizen should have guns, knives, crossbows and lots of back supplies of bullets.” The mayor went on to explain that grenades will be given out in schools; because of their easy portability, children can simply place them in their backpacks and hurl them at deer in the event of an after-school attack.
Currently, hunting rules in New Brunswick state it’s illegal to fire a rifle within 400 metres of a residence, and the distance for bow-hunting is 100 metres. Choptiany scoffed at a Manatee reporter for bringing this up at the meeting. “Listen, the rules no longer apply in St. Andrews. We’re under martial law — it’s us versus the deer, and I fully intend to win. I’ll snap their necks with my bare hands and drink their blood, if it comes to that.”
At press time citizens were stocking up on weapons and boarding up their homes like an episode of The Walking Dead. “The hunt…is…on!” declared the mayor, smearing black warpaint across his cheeks and hauling on his combat boots.