Fredericton — As protesters gathered in the heart of downtown Fredericton this weekend calling for an end to all COVID-19 mandates, a group of roughly 200 counter-protesters convened nearby. The group, calling themselves the Freedom Farters, was composed largely of IBS sufferers, the lactose intolerant and spicy chili-lovers. Police described the gassy mass as “silent but violent.”
“Listen, I’ve suffered from serious digestive issues my entire life,” stated local resident and counter-protester Art LeBlanc. “It’s always been so hard to socialize with bowels like mine. I’ve been called Farty-Arty since I was a kid and I’m just sick of it. Social distancing and masking came as a real game-changer for me; no ones has to smell my noxious farts anymore and that includes me.”
LeBlanc’s lactose-intolerant friend Sheila chimed in. “We demand that these mandates go even further! We’re asking for 12 feet of social distancing and respirators should be mandatory in all public places. Then I could eat all the goddamn ice cream I want and no one would have to suffer the consequences! It’s about my freedom and rights!”
Amidst the sound of horns blaring throughout the downtown core over the weekend, the counter-protesters “tooted” their own horns, much to the disgust of the original protesters who were not wearing masks.
When interviewed about the Freedom Farter counter-protest, Mayor Kate Rogers chose her words carefully. “It’s a democratic society and people have the right to voice their opinions as long as they do it peacefully. I’d say that by and large, the Freedom, um, Freedom Fluffers have been loud but proud.”
At press time, the mayor and city council were working on a plan with Doug Ford to send the Freedom Farters to Ottawa, in order to gas out the unmasked convoy with their noxious butt fumes.