Plan to fine gridlocking protesters unfairly targets drive-thru customers, says Tims parent company

Plan to fine gridlocking protesters unfairly targets drive-thru customers, says Tims parent company

Fredericton — The New Brunswick government’s response to a demonstration (held by a tiny group that represents a mismatched hodgepodge of vague right-wing conspiracy sentiment and its underlying grift) has had some unintended consequences. In an effort to mitigate the impact to the City of Fredericton of this unnecessary and deeply unpopular display of childish belligerence, the province announced on Wednesday that it has introduced an amendment to the existing emergency order that would impose “steep fines and a loss of driver’s licence” to anyone using a vehicle to block traffic on a road or a highway.

While to many this may seem like a reasonable step to take, one corporation was quick to point out that this move has many of their customers caught in the crossfire. In a statement released late Wednesday afternoon, Restaurant Brands International (RBI) is accusing the government of harassing the customers of their popular Tim Hortons franchises. The billion-dollar corporation is demanding that the New Brunswick government rescind the amendment and allow its customers to continue unimpeded with their blatant disregard for the firmly established rules of the road and basic common courtesy when it comes to traffic flow.

“It really is unfair,” said Timothy Richards, spokesperson for the PR company Truth-Shapers, working on RBI’s behalf. “These heroes, out of sheer dedication and patriotism, choose to show their pride for this country by making Tim Hortons the nation’s #1 destination for caffeination.”

Expanding upon RBI’s initial statement, Richards went on to say even though there are extenuating circumstances, it is unreasonable and downright tyrannical to expect Tim Hortons customers to make any adjustments — such as leaving earlier in the morning to avoid making long lineups or parking and going in — to their regular routine. “I’ve heard that you can take the letters in ‘Collective Social Responsibility’ and rearrange them to make ‘Communism Master Plan.’ You could call it a genocide, I suppose, if that word still means anything anymore.

“Premier Higgs should have just come directly to the corporation and asked permission like he normally does for this kind of thing and this whole situation could have been avoided.”

Customers at several the city’s Tim Hortons locations are undeterred by these new measures and have signalled that they intend to continue as normal.

“It’s not my fault, I haven’t had my Timmies yet,” chuckled Darlene Hickson from the open door of her 2003 Hyundai Sonata, stopped and angled 45 degrees in the middle of the intersection beside the Tim Hortons on Main Street. “Some days I don’t even know if I’m awake before I get here in the morning, so it’s not really something you can blame me for.”

Not everyone involved is as oblivious, however.

“If Tru-dope tries to fine me, then I’ll fine him right back with my freedom of speech and the second amendment,” stated Keith Carmine confidently from the passenger seat of a black Ford F350.  “When the government tries to oppress people, those people need to fight back.” When asked to elaborate on what the term “fight back” entails, Carmine asked the reporter from The Manatee if they were part of the “Lying Media.” The reported responded with an unequivocal “Yes.”

The Province isn’t backing down.

In a telephone interview with The Manatee, a spokesperson for Premier Higgs indicated that plans for easing COVID restrictions in the near future are unchanged and that the province has already announced that it plans on lifting the emergency order in late April if certain criteria are met. That means that residents should expect to see the Premier on stage doing the “Chicken Dance” at a “Covid’s Over Party” sometime in mid-March.

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