Fredericton — A mysterious brain disease that has been afflicting an alarming number of residents in New Brunswick’s northeast region has been eradicated, according to government officials.
Premier Blaine Higgs at first declined requests for interview, but eventually agreed after we clarified that we were from The Manatee, not The Walrus. “Jenn had a hell of a time turning down that annoying Walrus reporter’s calls,” he told us. “But you just write those silly stories, so I suppose no harm can come of this.”
Higgs pointed to the government’s past successes in fixing possible health problems with a change in perspective. “You know how we solved the Parlee poop problem by developing a device that undercounts fecal bacteria in the water?” said Higgs, brandishing a small plastic object resembling a thermometer. “Well, this testing device works a lot like that. If you suspect you have the brain disease, you simply put the end in your mouth for a minute, and a message pops up reading ‘Don’t worry — be happy!’ and that’s that.”
Since New Brunswick has shunned the outside help of Canada’s top experts in neurology, the province is voluntarily on its own with this life-threatening disease.
“This test also works on air, soil and water,” Higgs said. “You stick it in the dirt, for instance, and the same uplifting message appears, letting you know that GNB has it under control and you don’t need to know anything more.”
Pierre LeBlanc, 32, of Tracadie-Sheila began developing symptoms of the debilitating disease about two months ago. Doctors confirmed that he wasn’t suffering from Parkinson’s disease, or Legionnaire’s, or any known ailment that presents similarly.
“I admit, I was getting very concerned that I might have this brain disease,” he told our reporter. “Thank god GNB is working so hard on this, not just shoving it under the rug. I took the test, and it turns out I’m fine!”
Dorothy Shephard herself handed LeBlanc the test, which he took, and it came up negative for anything wrong at all.
“You don’t have COVID, you’re not pregnant, you have no ‘mysterious brain disease’ — so I guess you can just shut up now, okay??” said Shephard.
LeBlanc then stumbled and fell down, in the throes of what appeared to be a seizure, as Shephard slipped out his back door.