Fredericton — The Higgs government announced today that they’ve been wrong to consider back-to-work legislation in their fight with CUPE over wages.
“We gave it some thought over some drinks on the weekend,” said Higgs, “then Cardy poured himself another scotch and came up with a brilliant idea — just put the kids to work!”
Now, the government approach will be to just let the CUPE workers languish on their picket lines while teaching the kids important life skills.
“Kids these days are lazy,” said Education Minister Dominic Cardy. “They sit at home and play video games all night after school. Heck, they’d play video games all day if they could! That’s why we figured it was high time to put them to work in our schools.”
Starting tomorrow, students will be divided up into groups. They will be assigned a variety of duties from general cleaning to filling in as educational assistants, depending on their aptitude.
“Any kid with a little brother or a little sister knows full well how to keep their sibling in line, teach them valuable life lessons and maybe even help them with their homework. Why not use these skills in the classroom?” said Cardy.
The minister went on to say that the ones who help their mom or dad around the house with general electrical work or plumbing will be set up as “team leaders” teaching other kids the dangers of working with live electrical outlets and how to solder copper pipes.
“These kids are going to learn marketable skills and a good work ethic, not to mention, simple skills like scrubbing floors and cleaning toilets will just better equip them for life in the real world,” said Cardy. “Anyone older than 16 will be encouraged to get their driver’s licence and hopefully we’ll have them running the busses by the end of the week.”
Until the driver problem can be addressed, however, students will be encouraged to hitchhike to school.
“What’s a more valuable lesson than learning how to navigate the world of hitchhiking, learning valuable street smarts and social skills on how to communicate with strangers,” remarked Cardy.
Higgs, who had remained silent for most of the press conference, piped in at this point. “When I was a kid, I walked 25 miles to school every day, uphill both ways!”
Ignoring Higgs, Cardy went on, “They are the province’s children after all. Just imagine how much lower their expectations of a living wage will be once they’ve spent their school years working for no pay! When they graduate, they’ll be thankful for any meagre salary they’re offered. It’s a win-win situation for everyone!”