New Brunswick — Premier Brian Gallant announced this morning that the Government of New Brunswick is launching the “Common Sense Initiative,” a program that will be introducing new mandatory high school classes to teach basic common sense to youth, as well as mandatory workshops and training for current government employees.
“This has been a long time coming, and we can’t wait to roll out this program and watch New Brunswick blossom into the utopia it was always meant to be,” gushed Gallant outside the legislature this morning.
“Not only will our current workforce be taught essential skills such as answering time-sensitive work emails quickly, or basic nutrition and exercise information, but the leaders of tomorrow will start their careers prepped with knowledge such as how to drive using turn signals, or how not to visit the doctor for every minor cold. These are just a few examples of problem areas that the vast majority of New Brunswickers currently seem to know nothing about,” explained Gallant.
The announcement was met with some resistance from several attendees, however.
“So you’re telling me I’ll have to change the way I’ve been living my life for the last 20 years? Fat chance!” blurted Brent Hogarth, a Department of Transportation employee. “I eat take-out for lunch every day, I haven’t saved a penny of my earnings, and I visit my doctor whenever I want conversation.
“But that’s no one else’s problem but mine!” said Hogarth, before loudly coughing up blood and spitting on the ground.
Nearby onlookers murmured in agreement while leaning away from Hogarth.
“I don’t want my kids being taught about birth control, or learning other languages!” chimed in unemployed mother of eight Leslie Dinkins. “They’ll think they’re better than me and they won’t listen to me no more!”
An exasperated Gallant cut in before things could get out of hand.
“People, please. Ask yourself what makes you the most angry during the day. It’s always other people, right?” Gallant’s quick smile softened the crowd’s hearts a little.
“The problem is always other people with no common sense who do stupid things to ruin our day. Or who read a news headline and get angry on Facebook without reading the whole story. So we’re going to teach these people to not do these things anymore, and we’ll all be happier. Make sense?”
The crowd nodded stupidly.
Some of the lessons to be taught in Common Sense classes include:
- Driving lessons
- Nutrition courses
- Basic financial literacy, how to spend smart and save
- Reading the whole news story and not just the headline
- Not visiting the doctor for a simple cold or to make conversation
- Using birth control