Guy working out with no headphones clearly a psychopath

Guy working out with no headphones clearly a psychopath

Halifax — Other gym-goers are finally confirming what you have long suspected to be the case: that guy who voluntarily works out without music is not to be trusted and is probably a psychopath.

“You know that guy who always lifts with just the sounds of steroid junkies’ grunts and weights slamming to the floor in the background? Yeah, that guy is for sure some kind of lunatic, and you should steer clear of him,” said Cara Jacobs, who works at the front desk at the Fit4Less in Halifax.

“I’ve seen him run for 45 minutes on the treadmill with no gangsta rap rattling his eardrums or anything…so it’s safe to say he probably makes lampshades out of people’s skin. That is not normal behaviour.”

Fellow exercise enthusiasts have seen the guy happily stride into the gym, wave hello to staff, don his athletic attire, and spend an entire hour and a half exercising with no headphones at all.

“I THOUGHT MAYBE HE HAD THOSE TINY EARBUDS YOU CAN HARDLY SEE!” screamed runner Rebecca Ryerson, her Beats by Dre still blasting bass-heavy electronic music. “BUT NO! HE JUST DOESN’T NEED MUSIC TO WORK OUT! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?!”

“I see him every day and he never listens to music. I thought at first his headphones broke so he was suffering through a workout or two without them, but then I realized it was every…damn…day. I might report him to the authorities, because that’s crazy behaviour,” confirmed another employee, Jeff O’Donnell.

“He’s polite, yeah. He always wipes down the equipment after each use. He keeps to himself. But something super weird must be going on in that head of his if he doesn’t need to motivate himself to the sounds of DMX or Justin Bieber or Lady Gaga. It just ain’t right.”

We approached the man, who was doing deadlifts. He saw — and heard — our reporter approaching, and stopped humming to the crappy music the gym was playing over the speakers. We stood at a safe distance and asked what the deal is with the lack of tunes.

“Oh, I just find I can focus more on getting my form and movements right without distraction…like…I don’t need Eminem or Daft Punk or anything…I just need the sound of my own heartbeat and my goals in mind…”

He continued in this insane vein, making it beyond evident that he’s absolutely out of his mind and is likely a risk to the public.

“I believe in listening to my body, and focussing on my goals as a motivator for getting through a heavy lift.”

A nearby gym-goer overheard the conversation.

“Did you hear what he just said about ‘focussing on his goals’ or whatever? That is seriously messed up,” said the eavesdropper, listening to inspiring movie soundtracks.

“I don’t think I even feel safe coming to this gym anymore.”

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