New Brunswick — Elections NB has launched a campaign to remind New Brunswickers that their own judgment is totally unsound and that they should just vote for the party they’ve always voted for come September 24.
“We don’t want to see New Brunswickers reading and sharing false information on social media and getting all confused,” said Chief Electoral Officer Kimberly Poffenroth. “It’s the blind leading the blind out there on Facebook and Twitter. So we’re releasing a bunch of ads where we just say in black and white that you’re kind of dumb and you don’t have the best track record when it comes to making informed decisions.”
Because New Brunswickers can’t figure out what’s true and what’s not using rational thought, the TV ads will show a level-headed and respectable-looking person staring directly into the camera and speaking clearly, saying things like: “Hey, if you can hear me, it means you’re a gullible blockhead who has gone your whole life without knowing the difference between the Liberals and PCs, and now is not the time to start figuring it out.”
Other ads will attempt to educate New Brunswickers on basic common sense concepts. For example, one ad depicts a dog panting mindlessly with the phrase “NOT A CANDIDATE” underneath it. Another shows a beaten-up shack in Millville with the words “NOT A RETURNING OFFICE” underneath.
“We believe that these basic concepts are distilled enough that anyone can grasp them — even a fake news reporter like yourself,” explained Poffenroth to our SATIRICAL news reporter. “We’re hoping so, at least.”
Saint Johner Sheryl Hicks, like most residents of the Picture Province, believes satire, fake news, and all-out lying to be one and the same. And, also like the majority of us, she still falls for all three pretty much every time.
“I was gonna vote NDP, but then I read on Facebook a theory about their leader being a Reptilian, and I don’t like the sounds of that,” she told a Liberal campaigner who came to her door. “So now I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to throw my vote away to the purple party — I hear they eat people! And I ain’t voting for any greens — I hate kale!”
Luckily, the Elections NB ads are making the rounds online, where people can hear the truth about their impaired mental capacity.
“Most New Brunswickers, yourself included, are idiots who can’t tell fact from fiction. Don’t forget that during election season,” Poffenroth reiterated.
“Fake news is out there, for better or worse, and most people are simply too stupid to recognize it and to think, ‘Hey, maybe that’s not completely accurate.’ So it’s better to just assume all your ideas and opinions are wrong and vote based on that assumption. Or better yet, don’t vote at all.”