Halifax — This week a Halifax man was pulled over by two separate police cars and slapped with four tickets amounting to more than $700 in fines. His crimes? Not wearing a helmet. And failing to obey a police officer. And failing to ride on the right side of a roadway. And riding a bike on a sidewalk.
The man took to social media to express his displeasure at a rule that he feels is “not normal” and goes too far.
“But it doesn’t go far enough, if you ask me,” said Constable Gerry Pratt, who ticketed the wayward Haligonian. “I’d like to throw these safety-shirking dirtbags in prison for life so that they can’t throw their lives away by biking without a helmet.”
Const. Pratt said what irked him most was the man’s smug attitude.
“He called Nova Scotia a ‘nanny state’ and acted as though we were being ridiculous. Well, I’ll show him ridiculous. Now, if he does it again, anyone out driving who sees him can hit him. How’s that for justice?”
“The cops are busy — we need to be focussing on the issues that matter, like…I dunno…breaking up knife fights and busting teens with marijuana…not looking for adults who aren’t wearing their helmet,” confirmed another officer, George Plumpton. “So we think we can save a lot of time and police resources by letting drivers do what they’ve wanted to do for years: smoke annoying cyclists with their cars.”
It’s true — in Halifax only (for now), motorists will at last be given the power they deserve, and will get to decide for themselves whether a cyclist should live or die.
“Thank God, I hate those effin’ cyclists!” screamed driver Susan Clawson. “They always make me feel so fat and out of shape. And when I’m stuck in a traffic jam and they just whip by me, it fills me with unspeakable rage. Finally they’re gonna get what’s coming to them!”
One of the obvious problems with the bylaw is that drivers could easily target bikers who are wearing their helmets and obeying the rules.
“We trust drivers. They wouldn’t do that,” said Plumpton. “If they’re mature and responsible enough to own an SUV or a truck instead of a flitting around on one of those ‘green, efficient’ non-vehicles, they can make the call about whether a cyclist is ‘asking for it,’ as it were.”