Halifax — With the 100th anniversary of the Halifax explosion fast approaching, Mayor Mike Savage called upon Halifax West High to come up with unique ways to celebrate the landmark date.
Early Monday morning, the students travelled to City Hall to present their ideas.
“Unfortunately, all of their ideas were terrible,” said Savage. “Light shows, live music, free museum tours — lame crap like that.
“So,” he continued, “I reallocated some of our education budget towards coming up with a bigger, better idea for a ceremony. Clearly, these kids were not making use of the money.”
It wasn’t long after these uninspired pitches that Savage decided on his own plan, which was to recreate the explosion and blow Halifax up a second time. The plan was formed, in fact, distressingly hastily.
“I just thought to myself, the first explosion was such a big deal,” he said. “Just imagine what a second, bigger explosion could do for tourism.”
Why subject the city and its people to all this pain and destruction? Well, according to Savage, Halifax experienced an unprecedented period of growth and innovation after the explosion, which he intends to replicate.
“It was sort of like hitting the ‘reset’ button,” he said. “We’re hoping to see that happen again.”
As he said this, he watched as a lanky teenager picked his nose and wiped it on a statue of Winston Churchill. “Lord knows we could use a redo.”
Although much of the technology that led to the 1917 disaster is no longer in use, Savage says that the exact method isn’t as important as its effect.
“Obviously, we don’t have a freighter like the SS Mont-Blanc at our disposal,” he explained, “so we’re just gonna load a cruise ship up with C-4 and ram it into port.”
Savage says that the city will also incorporate 132-year-old Eleanor Dunkis, the last remaining survivor of the explosion, into the proceedings. Despite her resilience, however, some speculate that the woman is far too frail to be involved in any large-scale ceremonies.
“Ah, she’s a feisty old broad,” said Savage dismissively, before outlining his plan. “First, we’re going to parade her about for a bit, you know, make a big ‘to-do’ out of it, and afterwards we’ll place her in the exact same spot she was standing when the first collision occurred. Then–POW! Round Two…Who wouldn’t pay to see that shit?”
The explosion is planned for Dec. 6 at 9 a.m., the same date and time as the original. Savage says not to miss it, because either way, it won’t miss you.