Halifax — Twenty-two-year-old Haligonian Kara Monteith has officially announced her plan to purge any friends from her personal Facebook list who are “not real friends,” who she doesn’t “talk to in real life,” or who she otherwise deems “toxic.”
Monteith said she’s had it with “fake friends” who only care about her when times are good, and who don’t even have the decency to post on her timeline on her birthday.
“I have like 700 Facebook friends and I would bet most of them wouldn’t come visit me if I was in the hospital,” she lamented. “How many of them would comfort me if my dog died? Maybe 200 of them, tops.”
Monteith said that, before announcing the social media cleanse, she hinted at it with several well-timed and poignant posters regarding the perils of befriending toxic people and the need to cut individuals out of your life who don’t help you become a better version of yourself. “Most of the posters I shared even included little pictures of a pair of scissors, to help get my point across,” she explained.
Monteith said that many of her so-called friends have pointed out that these meaningful posters contain spelling and grammatical errors, and in fact don’t convey any message of substance. “Those toxic ‘friends’ will be the first to go. ‘You can’t waste time with people who don’t mean the world to you,'” she quoted from a generic poster she found on another friend’s wall. “Or with people who don’t realize how truly beautiful you are, even without makeup. Or with players, or with negative people.”
The Manatee browsed through Monteith’s current Facebook friends, and messaged one of them who is set to be purged in this latest “cleanse.”
“I go to school with Kara; she’s nice enough, but man is she dumb,” wrote Ryan Malcolm, 20. “All day every day she just spams the Internet with those stupid motivational posters that don’t mean anything. It seems that if you arrange random words in any order, it’ll blow the mind of a basic bitch. Put those words on top of an image of a couple holding hands, and use a cursive font? It’s deadly to them.
“Does saying that make me ‘toxic’? Probably.”