Miramichi — A prototype self-driven Tesla van full of record producers and computer programmers arrived in Northern New Brunswick’s largest city today, to browse the local culture, boost the vital tourist economy, and show off their perfect hair.
Using words like “quaint” and “dirtbag” while wearing articles such as “sunglasses” and “button-up shirts,” these successful and cultured visitors couldn’t suppress their shit-eating grins as they ironically bought bags of frozen fiddleheads and dined on fish ‘n’ chips.
When they failed to find anything resembling a downtown area they originally blamed it on the spotty coverage provided by Google Maps. But a mathematician among their ranks developed an algorithm for exhaustively exploring the local topography, splitting up their team and cross-checking all the major roads and intersections for data-points matching their snobby criteria for a “downtown,” and yet they still came up empty-handed.
However, they were happy to find one location where a kid sold bags of worms in the cracked parking lot of a pub where several drunk people smoked cigarettes.
“Maybe I’ll include this neighbourhood in my augmented reality app,” speculated one entrepreneur. Then he promptly added, “Not!”
The high-tech tourists experienced a moment of fear when they realized there was nowhere to charge their depleted Tesla battery. But one of their programmers quickly invented an app to download electricity from the cloud and they promptly drove back to civilization.
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