Fredericton — Bend over and drop your undies, New Brunswickers. Health Minister Dorothy Shepard today announced a change in the way vaccinations will be administered. Effectively immediately, New Brunswickers will get the jab in their buttocks.
Shepard made the announcement at a press conference alongside Premier Blaine Higgs and Chief Medical Officer Jennifer Russell. “The government has been deeply concerned over the continued resistance of some New Brunswickers to the COVID-19 vaccination. Frankly, we have been at a loss to understand why anti-vaxxers continue to hold defiant positions against us trustworthy politicians.”
The change was made after a somewhat unique consultation process. Shepard said that she and Premier Higgs appeared on the Dr. Phil show with two anti-vaxxers in an effort to better understand the deep-rooted fears they have.
“Although Dr. Phil suggested the premier and I are too Machiavellian in our parenting methods, which we rejected of course, he did confirm that anti-vaxxers are narcissistic with the emotional age of a two-year-old child. But most importantly, we discovered the greatest fear of vaccine-hesitant people is their fear of getting the needle in the arm. So, we decided to pivot our delivery strategy and give the jab in the bum.”
“That’s D-E-R-R-I-E-R-E,” Premier Higgs loudly emphasized, although mispronouncing, when he stepped to the microphone giving a nod to the francophone journalists who previously voiced concerns over proper French language translation.
Dr. Jennifer Russell said preliminary studies done with volunteers from CUPE showed that this was indeed an effective delivery method. “Yes, there was some unruly yelling and a lot of fist-clenching by the CUPE members but overall, everyone accepted it. We just ask that folks wear clean underwear and avoid eating baked beans at least one day prior to your scheduled appointment.”
Anti-vaxxer Fanny LeDribble told The Manatee, “This is a real game changer. It’s true a big part of vaccine hesitancy was fear…it scares the crap out of you seeing a nurse come at you with that damn needle. Now you just bend over and you can’t see what’s coming. Hopefully no one will crap this way…could be messy.”
In the spirit of cooperation, Green Party Leader David Coon gleefully accepted the Health Minister’s invitation to deliver the first in-the-bum shot to Premier Higgs. “How does it feel getting it in the arse, Higgs?!” Coon yelled out, sporting a smarmy grin as he thrust the needle in the premier’s exposed lily-white underside. Coon later told reporters that the only reason he agreed to the new vaccine protocol was just to have the opportunity to stick it to the man on behalf of all New Brunswickers.
As they were leaving the podium, Coon was overheard saying to Higgs, “You should have Dr. Russell take a look at that festering pimple on your right bum cheek. It looks like a small business owner ready to bust under your punishing COVID restrictions.”