Fredericton — Like mullets, shoulder pads and acid-washed jeans, another unpopular relic of the 1980s caught up with Blaine Higgs over the past week. Now, he’s going out of his way to say those views make him want to gag himself with a spoon.
“I mean, I like totally don’t think official bilingualism is like mega-gross anymore,” asserted Higgs on Friday. “I’m all about French things now. I even love French fries, and I’m a big French kisser too. Lots of tongue, really. Some might say too much, but that’s how much I love French stuff.”
Higgs has felt like a total dweeb since his 11-page anti-bilingualism manifesto resurfaced last week. Originally scrawled in 1985, his submission to the Advisory Committee on Official Languages of New Brunswick had some grody suggestions including abandoning the “utopia of linguistic rights,” ending French immersion, and a referendum to make English “the only official language” in New Brunswick. He also dismisses reparations for the Japanese Canadian internment, railed against economic development in northern New Brunswick, and praised American nationalism.
“You have to understand, things we’d never do today were totally acceptable in the 1980s,” explained Higgs nervously. “For example, it was totally OK to be a complete asshole about French-language rights out loud in public back then. It’s like legwarmers and Hammer pants…looking back, it’s like ‘What the hell?’ but everybody was doing it, especially the people I hung out with in the CoR Party.”
Higgs says he’s learned a lot since he was a 31-year-old whippersnapper in 1985, and encourages people not to let the premier off the hook for Gallant’s 1985 mistakes.
“Sure, I may not have been totally tubular back in 1985, but what about the premier? When I was being a huge dick about bilingualism, I’m told that he was refusing to be potty-trained, drawing on the walls and not sharing his toys. What about that?”