Fredericton — Premier Blaine Higgs says that in the wake of the 37.6% show of Liberal support from New Brunswick voters in the election, he will look at creating his own carbon tax to comply with the federal version.
“It’s what voters want,” Higgs told us this morning. “Voting Liberal is a direct vote in favour of a carbon tax. That was my one and only takeaway from this election. And before you ask, no, I didn’t watch the coverage Monday night — no way I’m staying up past 8 p.m. just to hear what I already know.”
A carbon tax applies to fossil fuels based on how much carbon dioxide they release when burned. This means that home heating and gas for vehicles are two of the most-levied items under a carbon tax.
“What I like to do is just put on another sweater instead of turning up the heat at home, and some wool socks and long underwear,” Higgs said. “You’d be wise to take a page from my book; that way the carbon tax won’t affect you too much, and you’ll be cozy and warm.
“As for gas prices, well, I’m of the opinion that you can make a tank last if you only use the car to go to church on Sundays. It’s not like you people have jobs.”
New Brunswickers are generally opposed to every new government policy and don’t believe in climate change, despite all scientific evidence.
“I already got a sweater on, Higgs!” cried George Jardine, 44, of Minto. “How many sweaters do you want me to wear? Two? Three? Where does it end? Without the heat cranked, my house drops below zero degrees in the winter — global warming my ass! No amount of long-johns and slippers will keep me warm.”
The premier countered this and other objections by saying that, being elderly, he gets cold easier than most.
“I went to Value Village and bought several sweaters, and it cost me all of ten dollars. I’d suggest New Brunswickers do the same — you can carpool.”
Higgs also has other suggestions for how New Brunswickers can save money:
-Buy your Ensure Nutrition Drink in bulk once a year from Costco.
-Turn off all electronics by 7 p.m., and just go to bed.
-Bury your money to keep from spending it: before long, you’ll forget where it’s buried.
-Wear the same suit and tie every day.
-Cut your own hair, and shave your own mustache. There is no need to visit a fancy “barber” when you have a straight razor and mirror at home.
-Shower every third day, and only with cold water: it purifies the morals.
-Stew and bottle your own prunes. Grocery stores want an arm and a leg for prunes these days!
The premier said that, in the face of a climate emergency, the onus is on the individual consumer — not big industry — to combat pollution.
“You asked for the carbon tax, and you’re going to get it. So quit your griping and put on a sweater,” concluded the premier.