Fredericton — Jeremy Taylor once said that “Secrecy is the chastity of friendship,” and it definitely appears to be the case for New Brunswick’s Crown liquor corporation and the woman vying to become the leader of the free world.
In a surprising turn of events, a Right to Information request has revealed that the world’s most talked-about emails are being hidden inside of a growler bottle at NB Liquor headquarters in Fredericton.
Officials at NB Liquor say that the infamously deleted email correspondence of former U.S. Secretary of State and Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton are on a USB stick floating in an unmarked growler somewhere on the corporate premises. According to the Crown corporation staff, since the content of these emails could dramatically alter the outcome of the U.S. presidential election, all details about the NB Liquor growler program must remain a closely guarded secret.
“I could tell you more, but we’d have to kill you,” laughed president and CEO of NB Liquor Barry Highman. “Then we’d dissolve your body in acid and destroy any record of your visit,” he added quietly.
The ultra-sensitive secrets of ANBL are only now becoming apparent after CBC filed a Right to Information request 14 months ago related to the NB Liquor growler program. CBC asked for records that detail NB Liquor’s decision to continue its growler pilot project. NB Liquor refused, claiming that releasing the information would harm “third-party business interests.”
“Look, I can’t get into how we came into possession of these emails,” said Highman, “but, everyone knows that Secretary Clinton always has a BlackBerry in one hand and a 64-ounce jug of beer in the other. Let’s just say that we had to sell that beer to someone, and it definitely wasn’t getting sold to New Brunswickers! It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”
The RTI request also revealed that NB Liquor is the guardian of more of the world’s most closely guarded secrets, some of which are now seeing the light of day:
- The secret identities of every single Secret Santa;
- Two ingredients of KFC’s secret “11 herbs and spices” recipe are fiddleheads and dulce;
- The Energy East pipeline will contain a second secret pipeline to send Ganong chicken bones back to Alberta;
- The secret components of the Krabby Patty formula include sea sponges and starfish;
- The staff at NB Liquor are big babies about having to comply with Right to Information laws.
Correction: The last bullet above is no longer considered a secret.