Saint John — New Brunswick’s most notorious family is at it again, this time with a trendy pyramid scheme touted as part of a “wellness lifestyle”: essential oils.
The essential oil racket is sweeping the nation, and before any more profit goes to power-hungry stay-at-home-moms, Irving Oil, Ltd. is stepping in to get their fair market share.
“We want to corner this market because really, it’s exploding across this province that for reasons unknown to us is quite economically depressed,” said Mary Keith, spokesperson for Irving Wellness, Limited, a division of Irving Oil. “Opportunities New Brunswick is graciously subsidizing this latest venture, so we won’t have to use any of our own money for startup costs.
“Now, can I interest you in a no-pressure essential oil information session? I’m having all my girlfriends over to just relax and go over the basics. There’s really no pressure — I’ll just ask that you purchase at least one Irving Wellness recruitment kit for only $1,000.”
Essential oils are concentrated liquids containing aroma compounds from plants. They’re commonly found in pharmacies near the vitamins, in health-food stores, in farmers’ markets and in the home of that gullible friend who always gets wrapped up in these multi-level marketing gigs.
Keith said the Irving line will include pure, undiluted oils from wood pulp, gasoline and natural gas. And, somehow, they’ve managed to capture pure Saint John fog and concentrate it into an oil that smells like stagnant seawater, sweaty armpit, and stale Tim Hortons bagels.
“We’re tentatively calling that one ‘Port City Essence.’ You can add it to food, dab it on your wrists, or just inhale it.
“And you can inhale the other oils, too! Breathing in pure gasoline three times a day is proven to get you high as a friggin’ kite,” Keith claimed, inhaling from a glass vial she pulled from her purse. “And it’s healthy, too. I think.”
Not everyone is so interested in Irving Wellness, Limited.
“Though these oils are not capable of preventing or treating disease, they’re marketed as a miracle cure for everything from depression to insomnia to cancer,” countered local naysayer Martin Lavelin, M.D. “People who should be seeking medical treatment are putting their faith in essential oils, which do little more than give off a pleasant scent. Though, in the case of the Irvings, they probably won’t even have that going for them…you’ll probably wind up smelling like a pulp mill.”
New Brunswickers who don’t have family doctors and who can’t afford health care are understandably on board with the oil trend.
“I use tea tree oil for my acne, lavender to help me sleep, thyme oil for my digestion and rosemary for…uh, I forget what that one does but I know it’s working wonders,” said Elizabeth-Anne Moreau of Saint John. “Now instead of getting prescriptions filled I order essential oils. And who knows — maybe my husband might actually pay attention to me if I start smelling like diesel fuel.”
Keith said the vials of oil will also be on sale at Circle K locations across the province.
“Look for them at the cash, right next to those 5-hour energy drink things.”