St. John River tired of fuss over ‘the Chi’

Fredericton — In an afternoon conference call yesterday the St. John River and its tributaries took more than a jab at its northern New Brunswick neighbour the mighty Miramichi River.

“I seriously don’t know what all the fuss is about,” said the body of water. “He’s thinks he’s so big up there cause his water is more clear than mine. I’ll tell you something mister big shot: nobody floods a valley like I do! NOBODY!”

“The Chi” has been grabbing headlines most of the summer due to its disappearing Atlantic salmon and its striped bass controversy, and the St. John river is left saying “cry me a river.”

“If I hear of one more environment study being done on this, that or the other thing having to do with that wimp, I’m gonna puke,” spat the St. John. “Nobody gave a crap about me in the ’70s and ’80s. I had to tough it out like a real river putting up with people dumping cars and shopping carts in me all the time. I have more tires in me than a Michelin plant, not to mention that cold-ass foggy Bay of Fundy gargling my mouth at Reversing Falls day after day.

“I hate to use the word wussy but the way the DFO coddles that river gets under my thick silt bottom.”

This reporter reached out to the Miramichi and relayed the feelings and statements made by the St. John about it.

“Haters gonna hate! He’s just jealous because my team of officials and scientists have been training me to be the best river in New Brunswick,” boasted the Chi. “I’m on a strictly vegan diet and doing CrossFit four to five mornings a week. That lazy ass needs to stop getting tattoos and riding Harleys and work on his own life.

“He’s just a punk and it sounds like he needs a new dam put in right over his mouth.”

The Manatee is betting the hot attitude of the St. John cools down as we approach winter, but even with ice jams and spring flooding on the horizon, he’s still playing the tough guy.

“Just wait till spring thaw man…I’mma show that guy who’s the big show around here and maybe all your training staff will wise up and come on down to the real deal.”