Fredericton — Thursday, Dec. 21, is the first official day of winter in New Brunswick — though we’ve been blanketed with a shallow sheet of snow for two weeks now — and to celebrate the solstice, NB Power is proud to announce a new strategy for the upcoming year.
The pressure to perform reportedly has the utility’s top executives stressed out and so…THEY’RE GIVING UP.
On Dec. 9, the province was hit with its first snow-pocalypse of the season, flurrying down 15 centimetres in most areas. Following the “storm” there were more than 2,600 addresses that experienced disruptions in service. Last winter, a record number of customers had their hydro knocked out; more than 130,000 homes and businesses at the height of what some (but not government officials of course) called “a crisis.”
“I’ll be straight-up with you,” said NB Power President Gaetan Thomas, “we can’t keep up with this crazy climate change nonsense. Everyone gets mad at us and blames us but it’s these extreme weather phenomenons and whatnot.
“Our infrastructure is outdated by decades. We haven’t been putting the money into upkeep because that detracts from our salaries and bonuses. Honestly, we just can’t do it anymore. Late spring, summer — definitely the summer — early fall…we’re pretty sure we can keep the lights on during those times. Not making any promises of course, but we’re fairly certain we can handle that. Winter though? With the snow and the ice, the cold and the winds…look, we’re not wizards, OK?”
So, starting Dec. 21, all residential customers and most businesses will have their power turned off until spring. Or maybe summer, depending on how bad flooding is. Or how strong the winds are. Or how much rain we get.
“We know winter is a tough time to go without power,” said Thomas. “People like having their internet and TV, being able to cook and shower, and having heat. Always with the heat! Canadians in general love cranking those thermostats when it’s cold out! We get it, we understand. We’re a Crown corporation, funded by the people, owned by the people.
“We’re always thinking about what’s best for the average citizen and what’s best is…that we give up now, while we’re ahead. Will it be tough? Oh yeah! But we believe New Brunswickers will rise to the challenge and that we’ll all pull through till spring.”
To survive the rigid winter temperatures without dying, NB Power issued a list of useful tips:
- be an Irving
- be wealthy enough to buy a gas-powered generator
- be wealthy enough to have solar panels on your house
- be old enough to still heat your home by burning wood
- be an NB Power executive or be the family member of one
- be a politician; opposition is OK but being David Coon doesn’t count
- don’t be poor. Dumbasses. You’re the ones who got NB Power into the debt-hole