Sussex — It was a clash of the titans as Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau deigned to visit lowly Sussex, N.B. to see if he’s got more chops than New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant when it comes to shoving donuts down their gullets. The two heralds of handsomeness fasted for 24 hours in preparation for the event of the century (sponsored and officiated by Mrs. Dunster’s © ).
“When Brian challenged me to a donut eat-off, I couldn’t back down,” said Trudeau, while an aide fastened a bib around his neck as he took his seat at the competition table. “Last time I met with him it was over lobster rolls, and he managed to eat way more than me. That’s an insult to my manhood!”
“It’s about time us New Brunswickers show the brains up in Ottawa that we’ve got guts and moxie,” said Gallant, fastening on his own bib that appeared to be the New Brunswick flag. “We’re tired of everyone there looking down upon us, being the butt-end of every joke, being spat on at the Parliament cafeteria any time I go to visit.”
Representatives from Mrs. Dunster’s laid out four large Tupperware bins full of various Mrs. Dunster’s pastries, and the assigned referee announced the rules to the large crowd of about 430 people who lost their jobs at PotashCorp’s Picadilly mine when it closed, and who now have nothing to do.
“There will be no physical contact between the contestants. Any donut or snack that is touched must be eaten in its entirety. The contestants will be given 10 minutes to eat as many pastries as they can, and at the end of the allotted time, the person who has eaten the most will be declared the winner,” explained the referee, before blowing a whistle to signify the start of the timer.
The two politicians immediately dug in with a ravenous hunger, somehow managing to throw insults at each other between breaths, as crumbs flew from their wet mouths.
“You can’t afford to do this Justin, you’re already getting pudgy.”
“Watch out Brian, you’ll get sugar powder in your ear hair!”
“You’ve got a big mouth, Justin, but somehow you can’t eat two crescents at once — You’re an insult to ‘peoplekind’!”
As the minutes passed and the donuts disappeared, the duo showed no signs of slowing down. The timer neared zero, and with one donut left, both lunged for it, each grabbing an end at the same time. The lone pastry ripped in half, each piece making its way down a separate throat as the timer hit zero.
The two politicians glared at each other as the donut count was tallied, with the results being handed to the referee.
“We have a winner, by one point…Justin Trudeau!”
The prime minister attempted to stand in triumph, but doubled over in pain. His aides carried him out of the room while he shot a smug glance at the disheartened Gallant.
“Next year, Brian. Same time, same place.”