Laid-off dads have kids pick up dog-poop bags to teach math, gym

Laid-off dads have kids pick up dog-poop bags to teach math, gym

Fredericton — Late last week, Education Minister Dominic Cardy announced that it is highly unlikely that children will be returning to school this academic year. Teachers are being encouraged to create their own online curriculum for students, and many are banding together on Facebook to brainstorm ideas.

Several fathers in Fredericton, however, have already taken matters into their own hands. The Facebook group “Daddy Daycare: Freddy Beach” already has over 5,000 unemployed or working-from-home dads as members. We reached out to the admin, Mike Winters, for comment.

“Listen, I got laid off last week from a job that I thought mattered. Meanwhile, my wife’s job is considered truly ‘essential’ — so she gets to leave the house every day. That means I’m stuck at home with the kids for hours on end.

“One day I went full-on Britney Spears when the kids were misbehaving. I shaved my head, then I shaved the three boys’ heads too. After that I realized I needed help, and there were probably lots of other dads in similar situations. So that’s when I created the Facebook group. Never knew it would blow up like it did!”

While many fathers are sharing ideas of what to do with their kids during isolation, a large group of members have decided to let their kids follow a rather unconventional form of curriculum.

“I call it ‘Daddy Daycare Doggy Doo-Doo Discovery & Disposal 101,’ or DDDDDDD 101 for short,” said Shawn Johnson, who came up with the idea one day while thinking about how “shitty” this whole pandemic is.

“Each morning, the kids need to leave the house and go looking for those disgusting doggy doo-doo bags that ignorant people leave along sidewalks and trails. They count the bags, bring them home for disposal, and report their numbers in a shared Google Sheet.

“They’ll compete against other students to see who can find the most doo-doo bags. The more advanced students will plot the bags on a map. They’ll work on their math skills, get some exercise and clean up the city for spring. Meanwhile, the dads will finally get some peace and quiet!”

Johnson notes that he has spoken about the new curriculum with both Dominic Cardy and Premier Blaine Higgs, both of whom completely approve.

“I think this is a great initiative on the part of Fredericton dads,” said Cardy. “We’ll give the students school credit in exchange for doo-doo bags collected, in order to help them pass the academic year and get into the right universities. We can’t have our students falling behind!”

Premier Higgs also expressed excitement.

“Imagine coming out of isolation when all of this is done, and not having a single bag of doggy doo anywhere in the capital city! As long as the kids wear gloves while they’re picking up poop, this could really catch on province-wide!

“Why, we could even go back to our old slogan of ‘The Picture Province.’ We lost the rights to that one long ago — due to too much doggy doo-doo, you know. Such a shame!”


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