Moncton — Legal scholars amongst the radical opposition to COVID restrictions have uncovered a new loophole in the Level 3 lockdown rules.
As protesters in Fredericton and Moncton found out over the weekend, if you are extremely angry, disillusioned or misinformed about the province’s lockdown restrictions you simply do not need to follow them.
This new revelation bows a hole in the Level 3 restrictions big enough to march a parade through, and has staff at the Department of Public Safety reeling.
“We knew we were breaking the rules,” said protestor Mallory Formey, “but we are just so fed up with all of this! We kept expecting to be fined or sent home but for the most part nothing happened. Nothing at all…And we were like, Whoa, holy shit-balls! We’ve unlocked a secret level in the emergency order!”
The province’s Level 3 emergency restrictions specifically prohibit public gatherings of any kind to prevent the spread of COVID-19. However, buried at the end of the emergency order is subsection 31, which specifies the following:
31. In case of any conflict between subsections 1-30 of the Revised COVID-19 Mandatory Order and how you feel about the pandemic rules, then it’s totally cool to just blow these off, dude. I mean, come on…laws are so boring and always telling you what to do and stuff. Brother, you just need to be you right now, amirite? You’re free, kings and queens — you can do whatever the fuck you want without any consequences. Peace out boy scout!
When asked for comment, the Department of Justice and Public Safety was understandably embarrassed. A recently fired employee told the media that it was a joke that slipped through the cracks. “Look, we were busy doing the ump-teenth revision to this Mandatory Order thing in the middle of the night, and honestly we were three sheets to the wind at the time. We put Section 31 in as a joke and forgot to take it out.
“The next day when we realized what we’d done, we thought we were finished. But, when no one said anything it became painfully obvious that no one was even reading these orders anymore. So we just said, ‘Screw it, let’s see what happens.’ I’m a little surprised it took this long for anyone to notice.”
Presently, the protest organizers are busy planning next weekend’s “Orgy for Freedom” to be held at the Miramichi Public Library.