New Brunswick — Do you struggle in the early hours of the morning to get moving because you stayed up too late binge-watching Fargo while eating pickles directly out of the jar? Well, if you’re anything like us at The Manatee, you don’t like mornings and do not see the point in dirtying a plate with late-night pickle juice.
If you haven’t already fallen asleep, here you’ll find an arbitrary number of tips to help you defeat those early-morning demons and prevent you from snapping at Linda from accounting when she starts a conversation with you at 8:06 a.m.
Sleep under your desk the night before so that you’re already at work when you wake up in the morning.
Instead of coffee, simply run your mug under scalding-hot tap water for 2 minutes, add some black food colouring, and away you go!
Do your laundry in the bathroom sink at work and hang your clothes to dry over your co-workers’ cubicles.
When or if you buy groceries, simply drop them off at your office and prepare all meals there.
After you read the latest controversial Manatee story, immediately call the police — do not waste time wondering whether it’s real.
Do not brush your teeth, as cavities are a myth — just like Bigfoot and global warming.
Get your butler to warm your car up on those extra-cold New Brunswick mornings.
Steal Kathy’s probiotic yogurt at around 10 a.m. rather than spending precious seconds making your own snack.
Instead of going home for the weekend, stay within 50 yards of the workplace at all times to avoid the morning commute on Monday.
Outsource all of your morning tasks to someone in Newfoundland so your work is completed 30 minutes earlier.