New Brunswick — It was reported by CBC on Monday afternoon that PEI is increasing toll rates to travel the Confederation Bridge, beginning Jan. 1.
“We’re acting quickly on New Brunswickers’ New Year’s resolution to leave there,” explained PEI Premier Wade MacLauchlan. “We know how badly they want out of that deer-infested province, and we’re going to make them pay for it.” MacLauchlin went on to tell The Manatee that the decision was made after a recent report of what New Brunswickers are resolving to do in the coming year.
“We conducted a poll to see if people were planning more PEI vacations,” said MacLauchlan, “and one thing kept popping up: they were going to do whatever they could to leave New Brunswick. So, we put a committee in place and came up with an action plan on how to capitalize on this.”
The reported increases will see 2-axle vehicles paying an extra dollar for every negative thing the passengers posted on their Facebook accounts about New Brunswick in the past 2 years, with a surcharge of an extra $0.50 for every tweet, blog post or Instagram upload of any New Brunswick-bashing content whatsoever. Motorcyclists will see an increase of $10 for any time they’ve ever applied for employment in New Brunswick and didn’t get the job because they weren’t bilingual. And those choosing to travel by foot will see a new fee of $45 for any time they’ve purchased anything from any convenience store that wasn’t affiliated with Irving Oil.
MacLauchlan is confident that the increases in fees will not have a negative impact on people travelling to PEI from the Picture Province. “Oh, I’m pretty sure people will do whatever they can to get away from that cesspool,” he told our reporter.
Reactions are mixed in New Brunswick, with some citizens saying that they’ll refuse to travel to PEI and won’t let themselves be bullied into staying where they are.
“Quebec isn’t really all that bad, ya know,” declared Rosemary Hanson of Doaktown. “I’m already used to dealing with ignorant French people here, so I’m sure I’d be OK with ignorant French people there, too.”
Henry Follows of Chipman said he’d “give his left nut to get outta New Brunswick.”
“My right one is my favourite anyway,” he claimed. “I don’t care what it takes though — I’m gone like Donkey Kong and I’ll pay whatever it takes. I just gotta hit my mom up for a little loan.”
PEI is normally relegated to a vacation destination by most New Brunswickers, but has seen an influx of people choosing to live there year-round.
“New Brunswick really sucks, and we’re reaping the benefits,” exclaimed Barb Kingsford, tourism director for the Island. “We’re really hoping that Nova Scotia starts sucking, too, so we can see another boon then. Ever since Frank McKenna left in ’97, we’ve been getting New Brunswickers little-by-little, but we’ve seen a huge increase since they elected this pretty-boy Gallant.”
Nova Scotia Premier Stephen McNeil said he’s considering following PEI’s lead and is interested in seeing the results of the increased rates. “I’ve never really taken into account how badly people want out of New Brunswick,” he posited. “But, if this bridge thing goes well, we’ll probably up our tolls too. If PEI can do it, we’ll make a mint — we’ve got Halifax here!”