New Brunswick — Reports have been flying in across the province of Premier Brian Gallant’s uncanny ability to shoot various types of things from his mouth. Most reports were unconfirmed until just recently, when 6 shocking photos surfaced in the news media.
The sources of the photos below all wished to remain anonymous; however, at press time The Manatee has been unable to reach any of them to follow up.
Frozen yogurt: All right, so this is fairly innocent. Maybe he just ate it all and is spitting it back out? Looks like a lot though, definitely more than could have fit in that tub…
Water from the Atlantic Ocean: Geez, how much water did he drink? And how did he keep it down until now? Ocean water is pretty salty. Where is it all coming from? And with such force…
Actual fire: Uhh, OK, man. I didn’t know our premier took fire-breathing lessons. Kind of cool though. But… where’s the torch? Don’t you normally hold a torch while doing that?
Blood?!: Aw, gross! Go see a doctor or something, Brian! How are you just standing and smiling like that? How do you look so healthy?
Some kind of energy beam: Woah! What is that? Is he shooting it out at that woman? Or is he… God… absorbing her life force?!?
Pure electricity: Wow!!! Gallant and Prime Minister Justin Trudeau are totally battling it out! How do they both do that? Is there some kind of Liberal party secret to eternal youth and power?