New Brunswick — Last week the most popular meme on the Internet was, “How to talk to women wearing headphones.” The craze was a satirical, feminist response to pick-up artistry, the obvious answer to the question being: just don’t do it. The Manatee did a survey of single New Brunswick males and found that they are stubbornly resisting the Internet’s common-sense advice, instead insisting that New Brunswick women listening to headphones want to be hit on — you just have to know how to do it!
These are the top responses we heard:
- Wear your best Alpine cap: Everyone likes beer, so don’t wear a team cap; you never know if a she’s a Habs or Leafs gal, and you don’t want to offend. Headphones be damned! Every New Brunswick woman wants to talk to a man if his Alpine cap is nice enough.
- Remove the muffler from your pickup truck: If you’re driving by a hot girl with headphones on and your truck is loud enough, it will overpower her music or she’ll think something is wrong with her headphones. She’ll remove them and that’s your in to bellow out a drive-by catcall.
- Wear camo and sneak up on her: Surprise a potential headphone-wearing mate by jumping out from the bushes! Explain that you were politely trying to get her attention but she couldn’t see you until the last moment because of your stylish camo attire. Or if she’s decked out in camo (like any dateable woman) play dumb and pretend you didn’t see her.
- Dump a doube-double on her: Buy a cup of Tims, “accidentally” run into her and spill the contents of your coffee on her. She’ll take those headphones off and start apologizing profusely. As retribution, ask her to accompany you to the closest Tims for another cup, on you this time, not her.
- Blow smoke or vape in her face: If there’s a lady in New Brunswick who doesn’t like having cigarette smoke or cake-batter-flavoured vape smoke blown in her face, then she’s not really a lady, is she?
- Show off your dance moves: Unless she’s one of those smart chicks who listens to podcasts (you don’t want to date that type anyway), she’s listening to music. Here’s your chance to show her your sick moves! If she’s really worth your time, she’s listening to country music, in which case, show how ya’ get down hootenanny style!
- Make her think she hurt you: See a girl with headphones, bump into her, fall over. She’ll ditch the headphones, drop to your side and then agree to at least one date with you. Hint: to really compound her guilt and increase your chances at a second date, play your injury up; tell her that your ankle twisted, you might not be able to go work in the woods, and that you don’t have enough stamps for your E.I. yet this year.
- Be direct: Why not just take the headphones off her ears yourself? She might look irate at first but once you explain to her how very bone-able you think she is, she’ll cool down. Then heat up!
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