Fredericton — Even though nobody asked, New Brunswick Premier Brian Gallant has released what he’s calling “Canada’s ultimate, definitive list of important provinces.”
The list first showed up Sunday morning on WikiLeaks, a popular website devoted to leaking important government information. There was no criteria associated with what made a province more or less important according to Gallant, only a short explanation accompanying each listing. See the list below:
- Ontario: This is easily most important because it’s where J.T. lives and I dated a super-hot girl from there once.
- Quebec: A few reasons for this one: world renowned for its entertainment sector (Club Super-Sexe); it’s where J.T. is originally from; you can buy cheap beer here a year younger than everywhere else; you can see sex on TV in the middle of the day.
- New Brunswick: Me, obviously.
- Alberta: I don’t really know what makes these guys so important, but people talk about them all the friggin’ time — it’s kind of annoying, actually.
- Vancouver: I can’t remember the name of the province Vancouver is in, but they’ve got the best weed ever and the chicks are cool there.
- Wherever Winnipeg is: I had a layover there once and ate a really good burger and the waitress flirted with me.
- I guess Nova Scotia: running out of options and this place is better than what’s left. And it has the closest Lululemon store.
- Prince Edward Island: Mainly because I don’t understand what Newfoundlanders are saying. I can’t say that I like the island very much… I mean, the beaches are cool and I like seeing the girls in bikinis, but I accidentally stepped on a dead fish there once and it was gross. Also, the bridge toll is stupid.
- That leaves Newfoundland: I don’t eat a lot of fish and I’ve never dated a girl from here, so no comment.
- The aren’t really 10 provinces, are there?