New Brunswick — Thanksgiving is a time for family gatherings, turkey dinners, and appreciating everything we have been blessed with in life. Unless, of course, you live in New Brunswick and are fully vaccinated. In that case, Thanksgiving is all about another weekend of sitting on your ass, alone, watching TV.
According to the latest Government of New Brunswick press briefing, the virus has been spreading most at private gatherings of unvaccinated people. So, contrary to all logic, those who got vaccinated and followed all the rules are being punished yet again for the failings of the holdouts who refuse to make that small effort to protect the most vulnerable in society.
“We know unvaccinated people are going to continue to do whatever the hell they want, but, just as an experiment, we want to see if this arbitrary Thanksgiving weekend rule is the one they’ll finally follow,” explained Higgs, to his dwindling supporters. “Just bear with us. If, by Tuesday, we don’t see some strong correlation between ruining the plans of vaccinated people and stopping COVID-19, we will consider letting you have Halloween. Probably not, though.”
Not to end things on a negative note, Higgs said that you can still spend time with the following people this weekend — but under no circumstances should you see your mom, your dad, your brother, sister, cousin, niece, nephew, aunt or uncle.
“And definitely not your grandma,” Higgs concluded. “Good heavens, no.”
- Your drug dealer: This is fine as long as you meet him standing up, in an alley, and you both wear masks. No, he’s not vaccinated, and yes, he’s a fully fledged conspiracy theorist, and no, he hasn’t washed his hands yet this month, but it’s fine to buy some weed from him any time this weekend. We know smoking pot gives you the munchies, but resist the urge to satisfy that food craving with a wholesome dinner with your closest relatives. That would just be unsafe.
- The bartender at Dooly’s: Go shoot some pool, have a pitcher of Canadian, and sit at the bar, unmasked, to have a long chat with whatever bartender happens to be standing there accepting dirty cash from the other barflies. Be thankful Higgs isn’t taking this dark dive away from you, too.
- Literally all of your friends, but at a restaurant: Why don’t 20 of you get together for pizza? And go somewhere else entirely for dessert? You can’t get sick if you’re not at someone’s private residence. That’s common knowledge.
- Your unvaccinated coworkers at your job: Do you work in one of the province’s bazillion call centres? Well, you’re in luck, because you can clock in for your weekend shift and see all your coworkers who have yet to get the jab.
- People from high school you run into at Trailway: They’re not friends, exactly, and they’re not family either. But what you have in common is that you lived in close proximity growing up and you both want to get drunk this weekend to forget about all the COVID bullshit. So, chat them up at Trailway, or wherever you end up. Everyone knows the virus doesn’t transmit among tipsy acquaintances in public venues.
- Your cab driver: This guy is most definitely not vaccinated. He’s not even wearing a mask. He’s telling you about how no one he knows has had COVID so it must be a government hoax created by “Trudumb.” Still, we’ll take it. It’s not like he’s your dangerous mom.
- Your massage therapist: She actually has to go to work during all this. If you have her time booked, she’s not allowed to turn you down for an hour-long, up-close-and-personal chat. You can relax while you both discuss how much you’d rather be with family right about now.
- The teenager working at Irving: You can chit-chat about the weather, buy some Lotto 649 tickets and ask him what he’s planning to do after high school. It’s not a deep conversation, but it’s better than the crushing loneliness of another long weekend spent with your cat.