Woodstock — There was widespread disappointment today in the small town of Woodstock after local boy Sheldon Bonner turned 20 years old with little fanfare.
“We were really banking on this kid,” said Woodstock Mayor Arthur Slipp. “It’s truly heartbreaking to see that he didn’t amount to much.”
Sheldon Bonner was born in 1994 at a perfect 7 pounds, and his parents, Debbie and Harry Bonner, thought he was destined for greatness at the outset. “He was an absolutely beautiful baby boy,” said his mother, “and we believed that one day he would do wonderful things.”
This sentiment was shared by the rest of the small town. “You couldn’t go anywhere in Woodstock without hearing about this kid,” said local glass-blower Brian McLoyd. “Everyone was talking about him.”
According to the mayor, the local government spared no expense in supporting the child’s possible talents. “The previous administrations, myself included, felt that this kid was special, and we made sure that his unique ‘somethingness’ was fostered and supported.”
“Sheldon was separated from the class and left alone in a room with paint and canvas, some of the classic novels, as well as various instruments,” said Bonner’s kindergarten teacher Lindsey Murphy. “We just sat back and waited for the magic to happen.”
But the magic never came.
“As he aged into his teens, we started getting a little confused,” said his father. “He was showing no great talent for anything, really, and that was … that was pretty frustrating.”
As Bonner grew up, the people of Woodstock became increasingly agitated and impatient with his lack of interest or skill in any particular creative or entrepreneurial endeavour.
“We were all beginning to get a little ticked off,” said local horse-mater Martin Brown. “This kid was supposed to put us on the map, and here he was farting around the high school and pissing away time at the mall.”
Mayor Slipp said that by this time, the town can no longer expect much to come of Bonner, and he believes that Woodstock regrets its decision to support him in the first place.
“We’re all very disappointed with how Bonner has turned out,” he said.