Tim Hortons hikes coffee prices

New Brunswick — Consumers are going to have to dig a little deeper into their pockets this Monday when ordering their Tim Hortons double-double. The coffee chain giant announced Thursday morning that it will be raising its prices next week on coffee and breakfast sandwiches by an average of 10 cents an item. This announcement has sent the coffee-dependant population of New Brunswick into a whirlwind of panic that has caused massive traffic delays as customers line up for miles to get their coffee at its current, lower price.

“I’m stocking up,” piped an overly caffeinated Gerry MacDougall. “I’ve got some big tubs at home that I’m gonna fill with the stuff. Did the same thing a couple years ago when gas was down to a dollar. So when I heard about this coffee hike, I sprayed out those tubs again and made some room downstairs. They won’t be getting an extra cent outta this fella, I tell ya.”

LineupPeter Jefferson was over an hour late for work this morning as he was stuck in traffic originating at a nearby Tims. “There was nowhere to go,” he told The Manatee. “Bumper-to-bumper traffic for miles on end — I didn’t know what was going on. People were laying on their horns, yelling at each other through their car windows, and I think I saw one man pull out a gun.”

Not everyone is complaining about the announced increases, though. Marlene Humphries, a Grade 2 teacher from Harvey, said the 10-cent increase will actually improve her morning routine. “Usually my large coffee comes to $1.90,” she explained. “And then I have to either give the clerk a 10-cent tip, which I don’t want to do, or look like a jerk for not giving them a tip. Why should they get a tip for handing me a cup of coffee? I don’t get tips for dealing with miserable little trouble-making know-it-all brats all day long.”

The Manatee was able to speak with Rose Armstrong, manager of a Tim Hortons in Riverview, and she explained some of the motivation behind the price increase. “We see a real opportunity to make a huge profit here. Everyone loves coffee, and most people are addicted to it. We’ve seen a huge increase in sales lately because no one wants to get their coffee at McDonald’s ever since the whole mouse incident. So we want to take advantage of the increased traffic flow while we can.”

Another concern came from Martha Harper, a spokeswoman for World Vision Canada. “We’re always advertising that people can sponsor a child for only the cost of a cup of coffee a day,” she sighed. “Well, if we don’t come up with a new cheaper comparison, we’re going to run out of sponsors.”

Tim Hortons still has plenty of breathing room with the price of their coffee compared to that of Starbucks, but how much more is the coffee-crazed population of New Brunswick willing to pay before they say goodbye to their beloved double-doubles?

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