Local douche successfully plows to front of Harvest Jazz & Blues stage

Local douche successfully plows to front of Harvest Jazz & Blues stage

Fredericton — With the grace of a bulldozer, certified d-bag Richard McCarthy found his way to front stage of the Harvest Jazz & Blues tent Friday night, mid-way through the set of Canadian rock band Metric.

“I’ve been standing here for 90 minutes,” said one butted fan. “I wanted to get a good spot. Then this arsetard pushes right by saying he’s looking for his girlfriend.”

Asked if he had a girlfriend, the douche, who presumably travelled from Dickville, N.B., responded, “I have a date with a blonde,” pointing in the direction of Emily Haines, lead singer of Metric.dbag2

Though the crowd stewed over this pathetic parasite’s behaviour, no one intervened. Dr Patricia Wells, local social sciences professor, is not surprised.

“Atlantic Canada is a douche’s playground. Though we are proud of our trademark politeness, it does not help these situations. Douchebags can take advantage and they know it,” explained the professor, who teaches at the University of New Brunswick when she is not spending research dollars on concert tickets to observe “social science stuff.”

Wells suggests concert patrons forgo Maritime hospitality and defend their spot in the crowd. “Don’t be afraid to call them out. If it’s not in your nature, consider passive-aggressive techniques, such as leaning closely in their direction or slowly pressing your knuckles into their back throughout the night.”

More techniques can be found in Wells’ new book Defensive Dancing, which she plans to publish in time for Shivering Songs.

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