Local drunks land on Moonlight Bazaar

Local drunks land on Moonlight Bazaar

Saint John — Saturday, marking the 50th anniversary of the Apollo moon landing, Saint John held a very special edition of its annual Moonlight Bazaar. Special, in that it too was invaded by three pioneers pushing their bodies to their absolute physical limits.

“Holy fuck, boys, I can’t believe I haven’t puked yet,” said Robert Siegel, 33, one of three drunks to successfully land on the Moonlight Bazaar that night.

By this point in the evening, Siegel had consumed 11 beers. He would drink seven more before the night was out. Even with this impressive show of endurance, his two comrades were keeping apace.

Andrew Trent, 29, and Matt Healy, 31, had joined Siegel that night in his attempt to get as wasted as humanly possible at the community event.

The mission, they told The Manatee, was primarily a scientific one, with the trio running a number of tests on the Bazaar atmosphere to gauge its reaction. This included vomiting on the sod, sticking their wet fingers into every product sample, and loudly shouting The Big Lebowski quotes at one another from across the crowd.

Much to their surprise these actions were met with only mild annoyance, and went more or less ignored. This, according to the drunks, ran counter to their every hypothesis.

“That hic wazza serprize,” said Healy. “We thought thisss parddy waz supposed to be cool! Like, whatth’fuck?”

To accomplish this feat — being this drunk, for this significant a period of time without passing out — took months of training on behalf of the drunks. This included day drinking, night drinking, morning drinking…and, well, that’s pretty much it. But, as their loved ones will tell you, these efforts eventually began to take a toll on their families, as well as their relationships.

“Yeah, no, Andy can’t get an erection anymore,” Trent’s wife Allison told The Manatee.

But, in the end, their training proved worthwhile. The drunks were able to maintain a high-level buzz on from the time they arrived at 8:46 until 1:32 a.m., when Siegel, taking one wobbly step for man, and one giant fall for mankind, collapsed triumphantly into a pool of his own vomit.

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