Local nut-job convinced inclement weather related to so-called ‘global warming’

Dieppe – An instructor with the Moncton Flight College, based out of the Greater Moncton International Airport in Dieppe, is claiming the mixture of heavy rain, ice pellets and snowfall happening in New Brunswick is somehow related to a phenomenon he refers to as “global warming.”

George Randall has been training new pilots since 1974, and is set to retire in early 2015. While it’s obvious to most New Brunswickers that the worsening weather is a sign of the End Times, Randall maintains it’s actually “a result of human overconsumption, waste, and the resulting breakdown of the ozone layer.”

A heavy rainfall warning mixed with ice pellets is currently in effect for southern New Brunswick, as well as a severe snowstorm warning for northern New Brunswick. The storm has been announced and thoroughly covered by all reputable news outlets including the CBC and The Manatee.

“I’ve been flying planes for over 40 years, and I’ve seen it all when it comes to weather,” Randall told an incredulous Manatee reporter last night as the storm was starting. “I’ve seen bad winter storms, of course, and I’ve cancelled plenty of teaching sessions because of it, but just in the past 10 years or so it’s been getting worse and worse. We need to do something before this planet is inhabitable for future generations.”

“If Hurricane Arthur wasn’t a wakeup call, I don’t know what will be,” he added, unknowingly pointing out a symptom of the apocalypse described in the Book of Revelation.

A warning was issued yesterday by the Department of Public Safety’s Emergency Measures Organization, alerting New Brunswickers to the possibility of localized flooding over the next 3 days. Respected Fredericton resident Jim McCarthy, 64, had this to say on the “global warming” topic: “If God didn’t want us all to enjoy this wild ride, he wouldn’t have made so many of us. On Judgment Day, when he asks me about what I did to protect my family, I’ll proudly be able to say I filled the tub with water, waited in line for hours at the Ultramar to gas up my SUVs, and beat everyone to the Superstore for food, ice and other supplies. I’m looking forward to it.”

McCarthy went on to point out what nearly every New Brunswicker is already thinking: “If ‘global warming’ is real, then why the heck is it getting colder? Doesn’t make a lick of sense.”

As our reporter was wrapping up the interview, Randall was mumbling incoherently about “overpopulation” and “climate change,” looney terms that clearly have nothing to do with worsening weather.

Share your thoughts. We reserve the right to remove comments.