Fredericton — Local perv Glenn Albright, 31, couldn’t believe his luck when his power came back on Monday around 9 a.m. after widespread outages across the Maritimes. Many people in the community are still without heat or electricity, and now Albright is gearing up to be a hero for any sexy women who need his services.
“I was fortunate enough to get my power back this morning, so please, if any ladies out there are still without power and I can help, please, by all means, stop by and take a hot, soapy, steamy shower in my bathroom,” Albright posted on Facebook at 9:23. “Really lather up and then dry off with my towels. Please. I need this.
“In fact,” he commented on his own status, “if multiple women want to come over and shower at the same time, that would conserve water. I’d be cool with that. My shower can fit five women, last time I measured. I tested it out with mannequins.”
Albright’s neighbour Layla Smith, 29, said no one with half a brain would take Albright up on his offer.
“He’s trying to seem nice, but he can’t even keep his desperation out of the Facebook status, for god’s sake. Imagine what would happen to you if you actually went over there and took a shower. He’s probably got hidden cameras set up in the bathroom. What a creep.”
“Yeah…I’d rather take a freezing-cold bath in the dirty St. John River than step foot in that guy’s apartment,” said Beth Anderson, a former classmate of Albright’s. “I don’t have power and I don’t know when it’s estimated to come back on, but I think I’ll wait it out.”
Albright, totally unaware of how he comes off to women, admitted that he added a few touches to his washroom this morning to subtly make him appear more appealing to anyone who comes over to shower.
“I put these Magnum condoms in a basket by the sink so women think I’m a guy who’s regularly getting some,” said the man whose unruly neck-beard met the top of his Dungeons & Dragons T-shirt. “I put up my high school diploma so women see me as not only attractive, but smart, too. I also Photoshopped my head onto Ryan Gosling’s body and framed it, and set it on top of the toilet here.
“It’s these understated details that will let women know that they chose the right place to take their shower.”
At press time, no women agreed to go use the facilities on offer, but Albright’s male co-worker did ask permission to go over and take a big dump in his toilet.