Saint John — New Brunswick native and COVID super-spreader Cortland Cronk has had enough of the malicious teasing about his decision to go out partying in several locations across his hometown after returning from a work trip.
Wishing to go public about his shaming, Cronk invited a group of reporters to speak with him at the uptown Saint John Vito’s location.
“I was just trying to unwind and have a little fun. A dude’s got to live, don’t he?” Cronk asked, before considering. “Well, most dudes. Not if they came into contact with me a few months ago, am I right? HA!”
Halfway through an explanation as to why his getting laid was more important than celebrating Christmas, he shovelled in another mouthful of food before raised a finger to gesture for a waiter to come over.
“Hey, garçon, can I get a…ah….AH CHOOOO!”
The waiter flinched as the spray of chewed chicken fat filled the air, but stood patiently waiting for the order.
“Sorry, never mind,” said Cronk, sniffing. “I totally blanked on what I was going to ask you. COVID brain, you know?”
He turned back to his audience of reporters.
“All I’m trying to say is that if people are going to tease me about disregarding health concerns, then why would I even bother getting tested?”
Perhaps in order to not get teased for neglecting to get tested?
Appearing not to listen, Cronk wrinkled his nose and stuck his fork back into his chicken dinner.
“Here, does this taste like anything to you?”